THE CAPTAIN NEEDS *YOU*.... TO IMPROVE HIS SEO

[sailmods]

a variety of insane things have led to this moment and I will try to explain them in a way that makes sense.

OKAY SO, basically a little while back I had this idea where, instead of the usual EMP game advertisement, we'd have IC TripAdvisor reviews from passengers. fast forward to me literally commissioning the very talented tess to make us a mock up, which you can see here.

now, all I need is reviews. and that's where y'all come in.

kelly has created a lovely little form to fill out with all the necessary info to make the reviews. every emp, hopefully starting with this upcoming one, I'll take one or two reviews and use them as our ad, and that'll be like, our cute little thing. it'll be fun trust me don't worry about it.

<b>First Name Last Initial:</b> [Obvious] <b>Location:</b> [Specific Location on Ship] <b>1-5:</b> [5 being best, 1 being worst] <b>Reviewed X days ago:</b> [Arbitrary, pick what you think is funniest] <b>Review Title:</b> [1 Line Title] <b>Review Text:</b> [Leave your review!] <b>Thanks:</b> [How many likes will the review get?]</text>

Comments

[latersgators]

First Name Last Initial: Steven G
Location: Cabin 135
1-5: 5
Reviewed X days ago: 3
Review Title: The Captain did not hold me at gunpoint to write this.
Review Text: I just got here but this place is the bee's knees. The restaurants offer a delightful spread of vegan options! And the library is marvellous. Wish it had some history books though. Some of the other guests are terrifying intimidating unfriendly a little reserved, but I'm sure we'll all get to know each other before we reach our final resting place. Apparently there are ghosts on board that tidy up after us - not sure if that's a manifestation of a sociopolitical critique of the invisible underpaid working class or if real people got murdered to make our beds? Anyway, all in all, I couldn't ask for a better vessel to die and sail to the afterlife in 👍 P.S. the glazed carrots are to die for!
Thanks: 6

[neverleave]

First Name Last Initial: Natsuno K.
Location: Cabin 109
1-5: 1
Reviewed X days ago: 14
Review Title: Door won't unlock until I leave a review
Review Text: The "private island excursion" was only private because everyone else got murdered. The "fancy lobster dinner" had multiple stabbings. I'd rather go back to the burning mass grave I was kidnapped from. Is this wordy enough for you?
Thanks: -4

[mooninthewater]

First Name Last Initial: Mizuki
Location: Cabin 111
1-5: 2
Reviewed X days ago: 1
Review Title: I'm on a Boat by The Lonely Island but worse
Review Text: "Vacation" is just a fancy way of saying "Hell" here on the Serena Eterna. Don't be fooled by the infinite crab legs. I don't know why the Captain thought they'd sway anyone. They don't. I'd say "don't come here," but it's not as if you really have much of a choice, so here's a quick recap! There are ghosts. Presumably from people like us who have gone through this stuff, too. The Captain gets off to us playing really sick psychological games with good people. Also see: making us write a review after throwing us on an island where we had to murder our friends. That is, as the kids say, f*cked up. The only reason I'm rating this 2 instead of 1 is because Miss Friday is pretty cool. Give her a raise.
Thanks: 4

for all your overly detailed review needs my liege

[gapmoe]

First Name Last Initial: Ingo
Location: Cabin 138
1-5: 3
Reviewed X days ago: 1
Review Title: Not quite at Super Bravo levels just yet.
Review Text: I have only spent about a week on the Serena Eterna, but due to its colorful nature, it has already left quite the impression! All the areas are clean and the cabins are comfortable. Hauntings, while regular, seem to be mostly benevolent... save for the dangerous conga line taking place upon my arrival. I am willing to assume that the ghosts were unaware of the danger it posed to us, but this detracts from the experience nonetheless.

Facilities on board are quite varied, albeit somewhat lacking in their variety when it comes to the matter of clothing; I would suggest for anyone who might be considering a cruise to make sure they pack thoroughly, using a bag such as a backpack to maximize the odds of it being brought along. The "Tommy Bahama" store's selection is rather bold in terms of colors and patterns, in addition to being quite treacherous to navigate on account of its impossible dimensions.

The lack of power outlets is something of a concern as well. Currently, charging of any devices is best done inside one's cabin, which is a tad inconvenient for guests. Wi-Fi and television services also appear to be nonexistent, limiting any such entertainment options. This is somewhat compensated for by the ship's well-stocked library with many seating areas, though fans of non-fiction will be disappointed. All this being said, the ship has many other options for activities, including but not limited to: a casino, an activity center for children and teens, clubs, bars, pools, and a sports deck. Regular excursions appear to happen monthly, albeit could stand to be more clearly advertised.

In conclusion, the Serena Eterna has all the makings of a top-class cruise liner, but is held back by some peculiar design philosophies and the lack of clear communication from management. Guest Services, however, are most helpful. The many options for food and drink, all excellent, are a definite highlight. Bravo!
Thanks: 10

[lightconductor]

First Name Last Initial: John W
Location: Tauva
1-5: 2
Reviewed X days ago: 15
Review Title: I am writing this under duress.
Review Text: To whom it may concern: While I was admittedly rather overdue for a holiday, this is not what I would have chosen. While the amenities are without equal, shaming many a popular seaside resort while limited to being on a ship of frankly improbable size, this does not make up in any way for the fact that I am not here by choice and I was actually murdered on the last shore excursion. This alone would be a great detraction from any holiday, I assume, but I would also like to draw attention to the gross invasion of privacy that the Captain is capable of, as he seems to know intimate details of my life that have yet to happen. Normally it would be very much welcome to hear that a beloved friend is not, as you had believed, dead, but our host is a villain and a scoundrel, and he positively gloated over it. It may interest you to know that he is impossible to shoot. To add insult to injury, I am not even permitted to smoke on the deck, though the selection of the cigar lounge is more than satisfactory. If you are able, please choose another destination, perhaps Brighton. Sincerely, JW.
Thanks: 1

[yourotherleft]

First Name Last Initial: Zoro R.
Location: The Drunken Sailor
1-5: 3
Reviewed X days ago: 9
Review Title: Free Booze
Review Text: Are there ghosts? Apparently. Was there a sketchy murder excursion? Yes. Is the Captain creepy? Yes. But there's tons of free booze. Three bars and a dance club, pretty nice. Free food, too. And the trip is free. If the catch is possible murder on land, just don't go on land, problem solved. I don't have anything to complain about but there might be a few concerns down the road, so I give it a 3.
Thanks: 8

[draughtsman]

First Name Last Initial: Lucius S.
Location: The Drunken Sailor
1-5: 4
Reviewed X days ago: 6
Review Title: Very short lines.
Review Text: The ghosts that fill your drink orders are very fast and somehow extremely British. Not sure how considering they don't talk, must be the bowlers. Very heavy pours. Also the televisions are small and cute and make it easy to ignore the occasional bouts of horrible group torture. Love that. Fish and chips is mediocre.
Thanks: 25

[spindown]

First Name Last Initial: Rosalind L.
Location: Infinite Tommy Bahama
1-5: 1
Reviewed X days ago: 3
Review Title: Egregious violation of time, space, and good taste.
Review Text: As a physicist I am well aware of what constitutes a crime against the natural order and this store, with its infinite racks of endless, neon and beige, dreadfully patterned shirts is among the most serious I have either been party to or witnessed. The space defies both description and the conventions of good taste in equal measure. It smells curiously of key-lime cologne and the speakers are eternally playing smooth-jazz instrumental renditions of Jimmy Buffet songs.

To quote Shakespeare: Hell is empty and all the Devils here.

But I posit this is incorrect, for all the devils are not merely here, they are staffing this perpetual, boundless atrocity of a retail outlet.
Thanks: 0

[light_mischief]

First Name Last Initial: Skulduggery P
Location: Aft Elevator
1-5: 2
Reviewed X days ago: 5
Review Title: This is pointless, you know that, right?
Review Text: Absolutely ridiculous. Shutting down the elevator until I fill out arbitrary travel reviews for a ship that exists outside of space and time? How petty and immature can you possibly be? There isn't even any internet here! You're just going to have Friday shove them in her desk. This cruise ship is a nightmare. Is that what you want to hear? It's a nightmare, the captain is a petty, unoriginal hack, and nobody likes him. There! I hope you're happy.
Thanks: 15

[the_infant_death]

First Name Last Initial: Claudia
Location: Library
1-5: 4
Reviewed X days ago: 5
Review Title: Unique Holiday
Review Text: A very pleasant cruise ship. Slightly haunted by the ghosts of the damned: be prepared to dodge the fine silver. The stewardess is extremely pleasant and accommodating to guests with special needs, be it rooming or meal preferences. Very cheerful despite a lack of facial features. Good weather, entertaining excursions complete with opportunities for murder and mayhem, and a well-stocked library, though the lack of nonfiction is a bit tedious.

Removed a star for the Captain being very rude. That he is also an eldritch being beyond mortal comprehension that relies on mortals for sustenance is barely worth mentioning.
Thanks: 2

[decohere]

First Name Last Initial: Ava S
Location: Hot Tub
1-5: 4
Reviewed X days ago: 7
Review Title: Wait who is reading this?
Review Text: All inclusive luxury, for the low price of your soul (which is a decent bargain all things considered.) Amenities are always clean no matter how many times you try to destroy them. Interesting company whether you want it or not, I've heard at least five post-apocalyptic stories. The hot tub is the best location for nightly existential crises and piña coladas, but stay away because it's mine. One star removed for the unattended feral teenagers. Wish somebody would lock them in the kids zone so I can eat my shrimp cocktail in peace.
Thanks: -2

[skaikru]

First Name Last Initial: Clarke G.
Location: Outside The Bridge
1-5: 1
Reviewed X days ago: 1
Review Title: What are you going to do if I don't fill this out? Kill me?
Review Text: We're all going to die here. Over and over again, and if death has no meaning than life has no worth, no matter how well furnished the backdrop is. Amenities don't make up for the fact we're all being bent to the whims of a sadistic freak who thinks he should be lauded as a god. Lounging by the pool or drinking at the bar isn't going to be a comforting memory the next time you're choking to death on your own blood.

Are you reading this, Captain? We're going to get to you, and we're going to burn you like you burn the souls of your victims to power this hellscape of a ship. You can't stop all of us, we've got your number you lazy, unoriginal coward. Open the damn door!

The hot running water, soap, food, and well stocked medbay are cool though.
Thanks: -6

[firewalled]

First Name Last Initial: Rich G.
Location: Mikabo
1-5: 3
Reviewed X days ago: 4
Review Title: R&R but without the relaxation
Review Text: Would have been cool with a vacation if I hadn't literally been in the burn ward before this. Filled with shrieking nightmares but at least they're LGBT friendly. Aside from the ghosts, the other passengers are mostly chill, aside from a certain asshole who decided the wall needed a new hole in it the second he saw me. Restaurants provide food almost great enough to make me ignore the impending doom likely headed our way.
Thanks: 3

[myagic]

First Name Last Initial: Rita M.
Location: Scoops
1-5: 1
Reviewed X days ago: 7
Review Title: This is stupid, I'm not--fine, just give me that ice cream!
Review Text: I don't care how good the ice cream is; I'd sooner burn my own hand off again than stay on this crazy ship! Of course I'm serious--hey, but don't you dare get any ideas from that, alright?!
Thanks: -5

[asafecrackingdevice]

First Name Last Initial: Parker
Location: The Roof
1-5: 2
Reviewed X days ago: 4
Review Title: Awful
Review Text: Security's a joke and there's nothing worth stealing anyway, plus the air vents are too small. The ice-cream is pretty good though
Thanks: 2