sail_ooc | TEST DRIVE MEME #1

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TEST DRIVE MEME #1

1. now it's fun to wake up in a strange chateau

[you wake up.

it doesn't matter where you were before. going to bed? dying? opening the door to face a great evil? same result. you wake up in a soft bed with starched sheets in a cool, darkened room, sunlight peeking out from behind thick curtains. maybe you're alone; maybe you aren't. maybe you immediately notice the folded paper on the bedside table near your head. if you don't, you better fix that real quick: you won't be able to even open the door before you read it.

the note itself is written in a neat hand on white card stock; there is a stylized logo of a ship with the words SERENA ETERNA printed underneath. the note reads as follows:

Dear Passenger(s),

As your cruise director, it is my great honor to welcome you aboard the Serena Eterna, your destination for fun and adventure! We know you could have chosen any cruise line for your vacation, and we're very grateful you chose ours! On behalf of the Captain, I would like to assure each and every passenger that will we do whatever it takes to fulfill all your needs and desires during your journey with us.

At your earliest possible convenience, please attend the mandatory lifeboat drill by the end of the day. I'm sure everyone is very eager to get started on all the fun and sun, but safety always comes first! You can find your life jacket in your cabin's closet; carry it to your assigned muster station on deck one, where I will take you through the drill. If you can't find me in the crowd, just look for the gal with the winning smile!

See You Real Soon!

Sincerely,
Gal Friday

you walk to deck one. you have no other choice: every time you try to step in a direction some unseen being considers "not towards deck one," you find your legs no longer move, staying stock still, frozen. whether compelled quickly by curiosity, or delayed by pure stubbornness, the result is the same, and you are left milling around with other similarly curious or stubborn people.

you see someone in uniform near the front of the crowd. she seems to be a gal, but is missing the winning smile, along with most of her other features. she seems to see you, though, rushing to your side and placing a lei around your neck with great formality. a voice, cheery but artificial, sees to come from nowhere and everywhere.]

Welcome aboard! We're so glad to have you!

[you touch the lei. rooster feathers, lotus seeds, and a carved circle of something white and hard, linked onto a silk string.]

2. messing with my mind was fun at the time

[freshly lei'd, your legs are forced to lead out onto the deck and towards your muster station. the same woman is there, carrying a clipboard. this time, she introduces herself as Gal Friday, the cruise director, before immediately going into the muster drill spiel. it is very boring, and you are not allowed to move, except when you are required to show you know how to put your life vest on. you could try to not do this, but Friday will move to stand in front of you very closely and just. look in your direction until such a time that you decide to do it. and I'm sure your fellow passengers want you to just get on with it, too.

but, once it ends? she reiterates her desire to welcome you aboard. and, then, you're free.

well, free to move about the ship at your own leisure, of course. which is a kind of free, and probably the best one you can hope for. you could try to escape, maybe, if you have the means to; Friday certainly won't be one to stop you. that's what the barrier is for, after all.

but, wouldn't you much rather have fun?

the buffet is full. the pool is open. the casino jingles and chimes.

welcome aboard.]

3. lots of mystery in the history of the devils I knew

[you were never alone.

a few days have passed since you first arrived on the Serena Eterna. perhaps you've made yourself a little routine, and settled in a bit. or maybe you haven't done that at all. either way, you're here, and it looks like somebody is pretty pissed off about it.

it starts small. sometimes nearby plates skid off tables, or a pool chair upends while you're walking next to it. and sometimes that chair is aimed right at your head. objects are moving with quickly increasing frequency, and a wide variety of styles: some are dropped, or pushed, and others and others are tossed, but a few of the items are thrown, with great force and odd accuracy. if Friday is around during the lighter moments, she simply titters and cleans up whatever mess is made. if a pot of soup sails off the buffet line and nearly drenches you in boiling minestrone, she simply walks away.

and then there's the voices. hundreds, maybe thousands, calling out. not all are intelligible English, but you seem to understand them anyway. some sound scared, or angry. some are screams, others whispers. some sound entirely strange, while others are achingly familiar. and they're all saying the same exact thing:

Get Out.]

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[from the very start of the drill, there is a vague sort of background noise, one that doesn't not sound like a tea kettle being smothered by a pillow. and the drill itself seems to go faster than it ought to, maybe, as if the recording were being played on x2 speed.

immediately after the drill ends, Friday rushes towards the nearest door - only to return an instant later, clutching a pair of extremely tacky swim trunks in one hand.

she holds it out to him wordlessly, her face firmly facing the floor. her free hand wavers, as if she'd like to use words, but is currently unable to form them.]

[Extremely tacky is still loads better than the beans and sausage just hanging out there in all its English breakfast glory. She gets an appreciative grunt out of him while he tries to find the front and the back, the inside from the outside, and finally having it the right way round, he tries to steady himself on a handrail while step-hop-staggering into it.]

Cheers mate. Hope you didn't have to nick someone else's knickers... slightly damp... wee bit tight-- oop, bollocks, clipped the left one-- [He stops talking to himself when he lifts his head again and sees her, or at least, the top of her head. She's got a bit of a retro hairstyle. Big MILF lady in the streets, freak in the sheets energy.]

Not everyday I get rescued by a pretty damsel. Didn't catch your name, love.

[the moment the trunks are on, and not a second before, her head snaps back up. the noise has ended as suddenly as it started.]

As cruise director, I've been given carte blanche to see to every need of my passengers! [she folds her hands in front of her] I'm Gal Friday! We're very happy to have you aboard, Mr. Constantine! Is there anything else I can get you?

Jesus Christ! [Her lack of bits of her face startles some sobriety into him and he jumps a bit. She's not any less of a MILF, to be clear, he's an equal opportunity fucker, but, you know. Going to be kind of difficult to get any mutual mouth action.

Her robotic voice is also a little bit weird, only slightly more animated than the first five minutes of a phone call to a company with an automated call directing system. It takes some getting used to.]

No no, don't get me Jesus, I've already found Him. More interested in the strippers and the smokes if you're finding me anything, but anyway, listen, love - could you tell us where we are? Also, are you hiring a stage magician to impress these wankers with a fire and lights and demonic summoning show?

You're on vacation! And I might be a little biased, but the Serena Eterna is just about the best way to travel that there is! We're very glad you chose us! [brightly] There are duty-free cigarettes on sale at the sundries shop - but, if you're more of a cigar man, there is Tauva on Deck Four. Of course, tobacco products can only be enjoyed in our designated smoking areas!

[and then she pauses, her head tilting owlishly. a hand goes to her cheek.]

Oh... We haven't had any live entertainment on board in a very long time... Oh, but I would never dream of asking my passengers to work on their vacations! That wouldn't be very nice at all!

...sure! [But why would he steal a credit card, book himself a cruise vacation to the middle of nowhere - he's noticed she hasn't said where he's on vacation, exactly - get himself on a boat and pass out whilst giving his real name? He was completely plastered; he wouldn't have been able to even type his last name into a computer properly.]

I am a smoking area, but I'll keep that in mind. I'd just-- y'know, like to buy some duty-free cigarettes, but. I came on board like this. [Without the trunks, of course. He's not about to ask one of the staff about questionable ways to get some money, even if he hasn't really had an honest day's work in his life.]

It's hardly work at all if I'm having fun, eh?

[a light laugh] Oh, don't worry about any of that! Everything you buy on board is charged to your room automatically. The Captain's always said that money is too vulgar to be used for exchanges!

[another pause, another head tilt. her nose wrinkles. a battle is waged.]

... I will keep your very generous offer in mind! [she'd probably sound more excited if she wasn't very clearly trying not to.]

Oh, is that right? [Well, as long as someone else is paying for his smokes. This all just sounds too good to be true.]

Thanks love. Gal Friday, wasn't it? You're a lovely cruise director. I'll remember you. [Nevermind that he's never met any other cruise director. He wants to schmooze, get to know everyone on the ship, whether they work here or, like him, had one hell of a night and woke up like this in their crispest, best birthday suit.]

What's it like being a cruise director? Hundred hats and not enough heads? You make it look so natural, you must've been doing this for years.

I would have to check first, but I think I just passed the 500 mark a few years ago! [hands on hips] I only started counting very recently, though, so don't count me off as a greenhorn for that! It's never felt like work since day one, though! It's the best job there is!

... Though, I've never been anything else, so I wouldn't know what to compare it to! I've certainly never been anything as exciting as a warlock! That must be fun!

Five hundred years? Friday, you don't look a day past twenty-one. [If he's starting to be slightly concerned about what fresh hell he's found himself in, it's certainly not showing on his face.]

Between you and me, I have to say, cruise director is much better. You don't have to worry about where you're staying, food's provided for, no commute, all these beautiful people making all sorts of trouble - never a dull moment, eh?

You'd be a mighty quick study though, if you ever wanted to be anything else...?

Oh, those are just the ones I counted! [bops] It's actually a little trick a passenger taught me. You make four lines [holds up four fingers] and then [uses other hand to hold a finger over those ones] you make five!

[there is zero chance she will be more impressed by an actual act of magic than she was by that.]

I always like to learn things from my passengers! [pauses, makes a light murmuring noise] But, I'm not very sure magic will ever be one of those things!

[Oh, so like counting days in a prison cell. That's so much more reassuring.]

Bah, don't worry about magic. It's the easiest thing in the world. Anyone could learn it. [Having eyes would certainly help though, but he wouldn't write her off without them.]

But you'll have to show me a few other tricks the passengers have taught you. Maybe over dinner...? [Does she even... eat without a mouth, or does she have teeth down there or something?]

It's always looked pretty hard... [it's demurring, bur it's more the kind you do when you're already half-convinced than it was before. she's still mentally weighing the consequences.

either way, she claps her hands at the invitation, nodding eagerly.] Of course! One of them taught me how to fold napkins into animals. I can almost do a swan!

I'll show you a few simple tricks you can do with a coin. Impress the other guests, eh? [He doesn't have a coin with him right now obviously, which is the perfect excuse to spend dinner with her, try and get some more information without overtly trying to get more information from her.]

Why don't you suggest one of the restaurants with napkins? I'd love to see these animals. [He can even animate animal napkins, although he's not sure if she'd be impressed with a simple, dumb trick.]

Speaking of dinner, I'd- probably need clothes... I think I locked meself out of the room. Although I'm happy to borrow some.

[briefest tea-kettle noise. she's fine.]

Do you... not have your phone? The ship app acts as a door key!

[He wasn't even trying to be her worst guest but that's just how the cookie is crumbling at the moment.]

Not to worry love, I'll figure it out. [He's rather bad with phones and it wasn't really on his mind when he stumbled out butt naked but he appreciates the tip. It just means she's bumped it up his list of priorities of things to figure out while he's on board.]

I'll be better dressed and better behaved for dinner, promise. [He flashes her a cheeky grin he thinks she's able to see, despite her... current facial situation.]

Hm... [she pauses for a second, tilting her head. she holds out her palm to him. sitting on it is a clunky little cell phone. don't ask questions.]

Be sure to keep track of it from now on! It's very important!

Hey, that's one of my magic tricks! [He beams at her before swiping his phone up in his hand. Is she sure she can't do any magic? Conjuring objects from other locations is fairly decent magical prowess to have.]

What would I do without you, eh? [He inches in a little closer in a bigger gesture to give her a hug, and assuming she doesn't violently try to take his head off, he would hug her. And try to palm something from her pocket while he's in close, if there happens to be something small that he's able to take quick enough without her noticing. Otherwise, don't mind his wandering hand just hovering close to her hip.]

[her pockets contain exactly eight black ink pens and sand. like, just some real clumpy sand.

so, yeah, free sand. because she is otherwise going to be completely frozen still and give absolutely no sense of awareness until the exact second he is no longer touching her.]

[Oh boy, he's always wanted... free sand. That's going to be difficult to nick without exposing himself if sand doesn't start trickling from between his fingers. He tries to take just a little bit out of her pocket in case there's anything special about the sand, hopefully not enough that she would notice, before he pulls back with a smile, eyebrows raised.]

Everything okay? [She froze up for a bit there. It was a little weird.]

Mhhm! [she does not seem aware that anything happened.] Is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. Constantine?

No I'm alright, cheers love. [He attempts to give her a light friendly touch on the arm. Hopefully she won't try to detach his hand from his wrist for it.]

So I'll be seeing you tonight then? Where and when? [He still has to find out what the 'cruise time' is and where all the wining and dining places are at, but he'll have figured it all out before their dinner date.]

And uh, you don't get hayfever, do you? [In case he wants to bring her some flowers.]

I don't get anything! [a brief touch seems to be acceptable.] Mikabo is a really nice place for dinner, I think! And the time doesn't matter; whenever you show up is when I'll be there!

Very good, I'll see you there tonight love. Thanks again. [For the trunks and the phone and the. Sand?

He's still not too sure what to make of Gal Friday but at least he thinks he'll have dinner to try and figure out what kind of person or not-person, as the case might be, she is.]

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TEST DRIVE MEME #1

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