sail_ooc | TEST DRIVE MEME #3

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TEST DRIVE MEME #3

1. you're the only one you owe (GUEST STARRING: selenokinesis and creepyoldguy)

[you wake up.

it doesn't matter where you were before. going to bed? dying? opening the door to face a great evil? same result. you wake up in a soft bed with starched sheets in a cool, darkened room, sunlight peeking out from behind thick curtains. maybe you're alone; maybe you aren't. maybe you immediately notice the folded paper on the bedside table near your head. if you don't, you better fix that real quick: you won't be able to even open the door before you read it.

the note itself is written in a neat hand on white card stock; there is a stylized logo of a ship with the words SERENA ETERNA printed underneath. the note reads as follows:

Dear Passengers(s),

You'll be unable to leave your cabin until you read this note. Congratulations on making it past the first step. Keep reading if you wish, as I have information to share with you, as a fellow passenger stuck aboard this ship. Or don't continue reading, and burn the note. I'm not particularly invested either way, especially if you choose to throw away valuable warnings.

Watch out for the Captain.

Be cautious what you sign up for.

If you die, you'll come back to life eventually, though I would recommend you try not to die.

Your life is the Captain's plaything.

Do not think for one moment that someone isn't watching you.

With that aside, I am now contractually obligated to tell you the following: You will find a life jacket within your cabin's closet, and you are required to bring it with you to your assigned muster station on deck one. A companion and I will take you through the drill. If you cannot find us, look for a tall male with white hair and blue eyes and a friendly-looking man with unkept brown hair and a winning smile.

Respectfully,
Moon Master Ebalon

you walk to deck one. you have no other choice: every time you try to step in a direction some unseen being considers "not towards deck one," you find your legs no longer move, staying stock still, frozen. whether compelled quickly by curiosity, or delayed by pure stubbornness, the result is the same, and you are left milling around with other similarly curious or stubborn people.

you see two people standing at the front of the crowd: an exhausted-looking man with white hair who seems rather displeased that he's been roped into this, and a man with a wide grin, bright green tips on his hair, and amber eyes. the latter is waving cheerfully, having an armful of leis. he quite happily puts them around people’s necks and while they’re distracted, attempts to dip them into a kiss.

as he’s basically a walking corpse, and smells like one to boot, it’s not exactly hitting the jackpot. but, he does at least listen to the word “NO”.

the tired-seeming man ignores this and announces over the drone of chattering passengers like yourself,]

Welcome to the Serena Eterna. Do try to enjoy your stay here; it is rather permanent in nature, huhu.

[and from next to his companion, the… er, overly-affectionate man who sounds as though he smokes ten packs a day rasps,]

You’re all doomed!

[you touch the lei. rooster feathers, lotus seeds, and a carved circle of something white and hard, linked onto a silk string.

after the duo complete the drill, you'll find that your legs suddenly obey your command, for what that's worth.

welcome aboard, passenger. we hope you enjoy your stay.]

2. one by one they'll do you in

[it starts, as most things do, with a table lamp. floating down a hallway, or the length of the promenade. ambling at a distinct clip: one-two-three-KICK, one-two-three-KICK.

and that's... not immediately concerning. after all, things float around here all the time; usually plates and drinks, but maybe the shades want to mix it up a bit. the lamp is alone for about a half hour before it is joined by others. a pillow. some knickknack from the ship store. Friday's clipboard. an empty vodka bottle. all have lined up, one in front of the other, and lead a procession snaking around the ship, growing with each passing hour. anyone familiar with the concept would begin to recognize it as a massive conga line.

there is a small chance you will want to join of your own free will. most likely, you will not want that. this does not matter: something compels you, like pins and needles in your feet, to join the dance. and once you have joined in... your body fights your mind on the subject, even as it grows more and more tired.

you pass by a familiar face. they could help pull you out. or you could pull them in.]

3. the price of vice foretold

[the scent of citrus and coconut rum hangs heavy in the air. there is a new storefront on the promenade, tucked between Sand Dollars and John's in a place where you are very certain there was not enough space to tuck a store before.

the clothes for sale are... a lot. like, a lot a lot. but, there are quite a lot of choices, though they do seem to repeat a little, once you've gone in far enough. in fact, even if you actively attempt to find it, you can't seem to find the back of the store. you can see a wall, sure, but it never seems to get any closer, even as you walk towards it.

be forewarned: the infinite tommy bahama does not have food or water.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Once he has a full nights uninterrupted sleep and wakes up still here, he'll be a lot more believing. Right now coming fresh off the cult bullshit, and dying in a car crash, he's just not accepting of much of anything.

Other than how much he needed this food.]

You make it sound easy Sharky. It's not that easy. I mean I'll try. I gotta try since I'm here and have a chance to have a ... new start I guess. But...

[He sighs, staring down into his now empty Big Gulp coffee cup. It may have been seventeen years for Sharky but that was only weeks ago for Pratt. And he knows, deep inside, he's never really going to be okay again.]

Yeah, I'll give it a try.

[And fail. Because you're weak. You've always been weak.]

[Wince] Maybe a few tries if I need to.

Nah, it's definitely one of those, uh, easier said than done things, for sure. And, like, if you can't figure it out... that's okay, too? 'Cos, uh. I... am here for you, and am gonna be like, as semi-decent a support system as I can manage with my brain fried from a decade of ethanol abuse. [Thumbs up???] Sound good? Cool? Not totally fuckin' lame and clingy?

[Somebody went to like, three AA meetings and had one sponsor he ghosted after a month, and apparently he's decided to appropriate that experience here!]

[This is the closest to a smile that Pratt has had since Joseph showed up years ago.]

It's pretty lame and clingy. But it's appreciated man. If I hadn't died, and the world didn't blow up afterwards, no one else would have even tried. So like... thanks. I mean it.

[He would have gotten a bullet to the head pretty quickly. But maybe they would have had to eat him so at least he'd feel useful?]

Holy shit Sharky did you actually make bathtub booze in a bunker? Out of what??

[Sharky laughs, relieved and pleased and juuuust a little embarrassed, but like, the good kind of embarrassed.]

For sure, man. And, uhhhh, obviously I brewed my own liquor! Hurk and I sorta went through our standard supplies quicker than we thought, and he got real fuckin' weird when he was sober, sooo... [Shrug!] Toilet wine, man. It was the only thing that kept Hurk from like, probably killin' himself or somethin'.

[But that's a bummer. What's not a bummer is the follow-up:] After we came topside, though, we repurposed an oil distillery and tried making our own moonshine. It, uh. It was mostly ethanol, though. Like, we could power our ATVs off it. [But he's weirdly proud of it anyway? Hey, the Boshaw-Drubman distillery probably got a lot of people through some shitty times. It also probably accidentally murdered a few people, but like, you know... buyer beware and shit.]

I.. I'm not sure I've ever seen Hurk fully sober? I can't even imagine that.

[Damn, his mind has taken a beating but even before his head was full of peach-flavored paste instead of a brain he's not sure he could imagine Hurk sober. Hurk.. paying his taxes? Making himself a balanced breakfast? Pratt might break even further thinking about it too long.]

That's something though. You guys are entrepreneurs or whatever Xander was always saying his weird smoothie pyramid scheme was. Probably oughta argue that's dual purpose so worth more. Like body wash that's also shampoo and conditioner.

Eugh, yeah, man... it was not pretty. [He could do with never seeing Hurk that upset again. Even if that means he never sees Hurk again, period. The dude's got his family, now! That's cool for him. Sharky has got -- well, a lot of fuckin' freedom, which is more than he could ever say about living in Montana.]

See, you fuckin' get it, man! That's exactly what we tried to do. But most people we traded with didn't bother drinking it, so of course, they didn't want to give us extra rations or ammo or whatever. Totally fuckin' lame, T-B-H. I mean, it was obviously the right move on their end, but still. What's life without a little party liquor? [Boshaw-Drubman Brewing Co's finest achievement is gasoline with a moonshine label slapped on it and he couldn't be prouder.]

[Though now that he thinks about it, he's not sure he's seen Sharky fully sober either. But he is not going to mention that. Especially here. Pratt is going to eat his weight in french fries, Sharky can drink as many mai tais as he wants.]

Drinking til you go blind in the apocalypse probably isn't the smartest move. Though maybe you wouldn't even realize if you were drunk enough.

Who else made it? Hudson? Rook? Grace?

[He has no idea that asking about Dep is uh... not ideal.]

[Don't worry, he has it on good authority that alcoholism skips a generation. You see, he saw it on TV once.

His expression kind of... crumples, a little, at the names Pratt picks out first. It's mostly bad news, and Sharky really would love to have like, something actually nice to share for once. Too bad the Collapse really doesn't do good news.]

Uh... well, Grace for sure. She, uh, sorta lost her sight a couple years ago, but she's still a fuckin' crack shot and, let me be honest, still a total hottie. [:) because she isn't here to hear and yell at him!] Ummm. Nick and Kim made it! With their kid, even, Carmina? She's so fuckin' cool, man. Like, Nick's kind of a tool or whatever but at least Kim knows what the fuck she's doing raising kids. And Pastor Jerome, he's still around. A little nuts, but like I said, ain't we all?

[The list is... not long. Auntie A and Xander went to Cuba years ago, so he doesn't know what they're about. And even though others made it through the Collapse, they definitely didn't make it to the end of Sharky's stay in that world. Wade got eaten by bears, Hurk Sr. walked out into the wasteland, fuckin' Rook...]

I guess some people went really nuts, though. I wouldn't say they made it, even if they're, like, physically still there, y'know?

Wherever Grace is right now, she heard that, and is going to kick you in tender places when you see her again.

[He doesn't even realize at first that Sharky is deflecting by telling him about people he didn't ask about.]

That's good about Nick and Kim, they didn't deserve any of the shit they went through. Just trying to live their lives and all this going on.

[Huh, weird that the other two he asked about are being met with silence. Like they probably died in the Jeep crash too but uh...]

Joseph made it didn't he?

[He can just.. feel that in his bones. Knows that of everyone it would be Joseph fucking Seed who would survive the Collapse. Because of course.]

[Sharky chews his lip, which is an obvious giveaway, but he's not planning on keeping it a secret. He just didn't want to drop it on Pratt with no warning.]

He... did, yeah. [Sharky heaves a sigh and drops his head to the table with a dull thud, which he repeats a few times out of frustration before slumping back in his seat and groaning in irritation.] Honestly, dude, fucking sucked. Fuckin' hate that guy. But no, of course he fuckin' made it, because life ain't goddamn fair. He got capped in the end, though. Definitely know he got shot. Or like, died of a broken heart. [EYEROLL. The derision is obvious and unyielding here. Fuck that guy!] It was a whole fuckin' mess, man. But he is definitely dead now.

[With a start like that he knows it's gonna be bad news.]

Feel sorry for whoever was trapped in a bunker with him for a decade.

[And when he finds out that person was Rook he's gonna have a fit.]

Fucking good. Someone should have shot him years ago and saved us from literally everything. Without him John and Jacob would have just been... [Regular creeps.] assholes we could have dealt with.

And he was right. The Father was right.

Fuck.

I bet he was insufferable.

[Sharky purses his lips, but... he thinks Rook might be a thing to bring up later. Like, after Pratt's had a couple of days to process all the shit he's already got on his plate.]

Man, it was kinda weird. The New Eden people lived in the woods and like, you know... rejected modernity and all that bullshit. Fat load of good it did 'em when raiders started coming in from the east. Joseph got all butthurt that things weren't perfect and disappeared. Then he came back and, uh, got shot.

[He realizes as he's saying it that he hadn't listened too close to the victory story the first time around. He'd figured he'd be hearing it a lot, so why worry? Then he'd woken up here.] I wasn't part of the action this time around, so I didn't see it all go down. I was kinda busy takin' care of Blade, while Hurk was out tryin' to rescue his hot raider girlfriend.

You know, that sounds exactly like him. It didn't go his way so he abandoned it. You should have heard some of the stuff he said, the way he talked to Jacob like he was disposable if he wasn't perfectly obedient to what Joseph wanted. And Faith. Especially Faith. She's like the fourth Faith - that's not even her name.

Well no, you shouldn't have because then you would have been there. But.. trust me. Shit was fucked up in more ways than you can imagine.

[But now they're talking about cult nonsense again and he really doesn't want to do that. Or bring up his time imprisoned by Jacob. Fortunately his brain completely shuts down.]

Hurk.

Hot raider girlfriend.

Hurk has a girlfriend?

[Dude. Pratt couldn't keep a steady relationship and Hurk got a hot raider girlfriend????]

[Once again, Hurk Drubman Jr. saves the day by being a wacky-ass bastard. Sharky cannot help himself from gushing, because let's be real, his family is all that he cares about back home.]

Her name's Gina and she's, like, a total fuckin' badass. Stupid hot, crazy good with a gun, tough as a wolverine. She was part of the Highwaymen, like, the raiders that came from the east? She totally changed Hurk's life, man. They had a baby together, his name is Blade, and he is the cutest little motherfucker in the whole world. Man, I wish I had a picture of him...

[That would be cool, but unfortunately it's hard to get pictures in the apocalypse, and it's even harder to get them when you're stuck on a ship in the middle of nowhere.]

When the Highwaymen kidnapped her, Hurk went on like, a Rambo-style mission to save her, so I stayed back with the kid and kept him safe. Sorta fell into the mommy gig over the mercenary gig in the end. Who'da thunk?

[Sharky better appreciate that he is trying so hard to believe this and not accuse him of being a hallucination again. It is taking all of his meager mental willpower to do so.]

Hurk has a baby?

[Honestly the only believable part of this is that he named his baby Blade.]

You took care of a baby?

[And both the baby and Sharky are still alive???]

I... I mean... Congrats I think?

[Can they talk about Joseph again? This is breaking him.]

[Unfortunately, buddy, it's the Baby Blade Power Hour, featuring the disconcerting news that Hurk Jr. managed to bag a solid 10.5 while never surpassing a 5 himself.]

Oh, I get it. Gina is waaaaaaay outta Hurk's league, straight up. But that's always how it's been, man! I dunno what kinda whack-ass pheromones that dude puts out but hot chicks are always up on him for some reason. [Sharky never could figure that one out, but if he had, he'd use it for himself.]

And I understand your surprise but man, that little tyke just... like... totally changed my world. He instilled a sense of, uhhh... responsibility and, like, the desire to better myself to thereby better his self? Does that make sense?

[How does Hurk keep doing this? What kind of time travelling secret wizard is he?]

That is so fucking unfair. Hurk of all people.

[Pratt has also never managed to score a 10 let alone a 10.5 and prior to being a neurotic cannibal he was a decent, charismatic dude! And he was definitely less of a dick to people who's pants he wanted to get into.

Damn. Went thru police academy to get the uniform that chicks love and apparently Hurk was out here in off rack Wal-Mart bargain bin clothes getting panties thrown at him.

Life is so fucking rough.]

That's how having a kid is supposed to make you feel. You get a sense of purpose. A reason to keep going and be better. That's what everyone from high school who had two kids by 19 said anyway.

But I believe you more than I believe them.

[Because if Sharky is being earnest about something, he's probably telling the truth. Not getting all shifty while talking to a cop.]

[Maybe it was all the travel Hurk engaged in? Maybe it was the massive amounts of disposable income thanks to his job as a weapons dealer? Maybe it's because his dick is the size and shape of a coke can? Who knows.]

Hurk isn't so bad, man. He's a great daddy, you know? Real protective of Blade, and Gina too, even though she does not need it. And he always uses voices when he reads bedtime stories, which is great. [...For Blade. Great for Blade, obviously.

Pratt is treated to an embarrassed laugh at the kinda-sorta-compliment there.] I think that's the first time you've ever said that to me. Of course, I used to lie my ass off to you all the time, so...

[Which Pratt knows, because they were never very good lies. But now that there's no law to get him, it's a lot easier to own up to it!]

[These two want what Hurk has. A sentence I have never even considered typing before.]

He's not a bad guy, I'm just not.. I'm having trouble imagining him as a dad? Like as a good dad and not a dick like Senior was.

[As for the lying....]

Come on man, I wasn't gonna fall for 'I've never seen fireworks before in my life'. You had them covered with a towel.

[It was so bad that it was almost endearing. Luckily Hudson was there or Pratt would have laughed too hard to do any arresting.]

[Sometimes the phrase "nice guys finish last" really means "over-confident idiots finish first." that is terrible news for these two nice guys :(]

Fuck Senior, for sure. [Good riddance, TBH! See you never, fuckhead!]

Fuck, I forgot about that! I was, like, really fuckin' high when you rolled me, you realize that, right? [What are you gonna do, arrest him again?] "Roman candles? What do I look like, a Yankee Candle Factory?" Hah!

[Somewhere there's an even worse timeline where not only did the cult win but Hurk Sr. became the Montana State Senator.]

Yeah I could tell. I've been doing this a while now but even so you're not a great liar. [Barest hint of a smirk there.] You know we spent the rest of the night trying to imagine what scent of Yankee Candle you would be?

It was down to Frosted Forest or Pineapple Cilantro.

[Really puts the whole ship thing into perspective...]

Uhhh... [He looks down at his shirt,] I think we can officially call it, dude. Pineapple Cilantro sounds like the name of whatever they're piping into the Tommy Bahama, and I am all about that lifestyle right now. [Mostly because the only other lifestyle he knows involves a fursuit and his flamethrower, of which he has neither.]

Yesss. That was my suggestion.

[For a man who hasn't gotten a win in years he is going to cherish this small candle based one.]

It suits you. I mean you look you know.. alive and cheerful.

[It's amazing what a Hawaiian shirt can do to a man.]

[He is alive, and he is cheerful! Sometimes guiltily so. People around the ship seem put off by how little he seems to care about their impending doom, of which he hasn't even bothered to outline.]

I know we're, like, supposed to be stuck here or whatever, but it's been pretty good for me, not gonna lie. Uh, and I bet we can get you there, too. ["We" obviously meaning Pratt and Sharky, unlikely buddy-cop-comedy-duo that they are.] Maybe not the full Bahama gear, or whatever, but... all the other shit.

[Alive and cheerful, he means. It might wind up being more of a manic cheer in Pratt's case, but that would still be better than the overt, hardcore trauma. They're gonna beat Jacob's influence out of him via good food, clean clothes, and nice weather!]

[The buddy cop comedy no one ever asked for.]

I'm already enjoying the food. And I feel okay, which is pretty good for a dead guy.

[He's taking being dead a little better now.]

I don't know about Tommy Bahama, I don't think I can pull it off. I'll look like a weird perv outside a high school.

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