TEST DRIVE MEME #7

[sailmods]

1. before she hung up, she said she was a skeleton

[there is no note in your cabin. no forces stall your legs if you decide to walk anywhere but the atrium. in fact, for the first time in hundreds of years, newly arrived passengers on the Serena Eterna are waking up with absolutely no guidance. nothing but your fellow passengers in the halls - or maybe in your bed.

perhaps you end up in the atrium eventually anyway. it is where guest services is, and where Gal Friday… actually hasn’t been in a few days. until today. and she is visibly frazzled, her hair uncoiffed, her suit rumpled, something a bit like a bruise blossoming down from her hairline and over her smooth features. more papers than ever cover her desk, and when she turns to face you, her voice is as cheerful as ever, but audibly strained.]

Welcome aboard the Serene Eterna! [a pause] You know how to work a life vest, right? Everyone knows that! You don’t need me to teach you that!

[a light bulb burns out behind her head.]

… I’ll get right on that!

[freedom includes the freedom to not know what the fuck is happening. maybe you should reflect on that.]

2. grandma went and can't stop screaming

[it’s something about the lighting fixtures, this month. has the Bellona always had a massive chandelier? maybe. who knows. don’t ask questions. either way, in the stillness of the night, or day, or late afternoon, there is a noise like a cord being cut, and the chandelier plunges into the audience below.

it hits nothing, of course. no one is ever in the theater. and that, perhaps, is what the trouble is.

so, the chandelier starts to… travel, one could say. it starts to hang in various rooms: the dining halls, the bars, the clubs… sometimes, if you’re out on the pool deck and suddenly realized you’re under a shadow, you can glance up and see it suspended 20 feet above your head, securely fastened to nothing in particular and yet remaining perfectly in place.

until it isn’t. until it falls, crystal shattering on whatever surface it lands on: floor, table, person… and, wherever the chandelier goes, a lilting childish voice follows it, singing without any obvious source.]

Ring-a-ring of roses, a pocket full of posies… ashes, ashes, we all…

3. jeff bezos murdered the infinite tommy bahama

[the lights of the Infinite Tommy Bahama go out three days into October.

barely an hour after its closure, the lights go on again, and a new banner is unfurled.



physically, it is the same store. you can even see the old signs hidden behind the new ones. however, long gone are the tropical prints and khaki dress shorts. now, one can purchase any number of officially licensed or legally distinct Halloween costumes, decorations, and various other haunted accoutrements, leading back as far as the eye can see, and then farther still. is that a Gal Friday mask? spooky! well, at least you’ll be good and ready for the Halloween party at the end of the month, which is absolutely just a normal party and in no way whatsoever anything even remotely resembling a trick. there are only treats at The Infinite Spirit Halloween!

note: bahamanuel is still here! somewhere! it kinda looks like dan bongino.]

Comments

[businessorlibation]

"Johnny Summer, a pleasure." He takes the offered hand, his shake firm and businesslike. "And I won't have a wife when the wedding is done. I'll have two husbands, instead. But I will never forsake my first love, the art of cocktails."

[notinflictthem]

Blinks. You know what? Sure. This situation can't get any weirder.

"Two of them? Do you need two priests for that, or is the one pulling double-duty?"

Hawkeye pulls up a seat, retrieving the cocktail skewer from his glass to pull one of the olives free with his teeth.

"You been doing it long?"

[businessorlibation]

"The ship's captain will be officiating the ceremony." He busies his hands making himself a drink, which ends up pale purple. "And the three of us have been together, a closed triad, for seven months now. Through sickness and health and every torment this voyage has thrown at us."

[notinflictthem]

"I meant the bartending, but hey, good for you three. Love in difficult times is a thing of beauty. Speaking of- that mean the war's in here too?"

Considering Klinger's outfits, the number that Johnny's got on isn't that outlandish.

[businessorlibation]

"I'm going to assume you don't mean the Franco-Armorian war, or the Platinum Wars. But regardless of what conflict your world is embroiled in...no, 'the war' is not here."

He sighs. "The nature of the conflict we face is more an internal one. The Captain is an entity who derives power from emotions."

[notinflictthem]

Oh now that's... troubling.

"Okay- hold on, what, like- start from the beginning. The Captain here derives powers from emotions? How? Why?"

[businessorlibation]

"He's not human. Nor is this really a cruise ship in the strictest sense of the world. This is a created reality, a space completely designed and controlled by the Captain's whim. He powers the creation with the energy of our emotions. And it is a lot easier to piss a bunch of people off intensely than keep them happy."

Johnny sips his drink. "There's more to the matter than that. In the Library, there's a black binder full of information. Read it when you're ready."

[notinflictthem]

"Not human? Well what is he- a horse?! Hold on-"

Hawkeye holds up a finger and utterly disrespects the drink by downing it in a smooth motion.

"Okay- so you're telling me that we have a Ming the Merciless on this ship sucking our emotions like- like a leech? No, no this? This is ridiculous. I must- I must be having some sort of mental break or-"

[businessorlibation]

"You're not. We're not. I've been on this ship for the greater part of a year, dealing with everything thrown at me. Don't be so selfish as to think this world is solely your own delusion."

[notinflictthem]

"Selfish?! Look buddy- you've dropped a lot on a man who's only one drink in. How- how did I even get here?! You honestly think I shouldn't jump to the obvious conclusion? I had a guy with bird wings walk me out of my room this morning!"

Hawkeye places the glass back on the bar.

"I'd ask you kindly to at least make me another drink before you drop the next bombshell on me. My delicate nerves can only take so much frazzling all at once."

[businessorlibation]

"Of course, one moment." Again, the alchemy of making a proper martini occurs. "The man with wings--Phil--is a friendly one, at least. He plays piano down at John's from time to time."

[notinflictthem]

"Seemed nice enough. I always thought that barkeeps were meant to make you feel better about your situation, you know- it- it can't all be bad news, right?"

Hawkeye takes a long slug from his martini and- maybe good drinks is the good news, and with any luck he'll die of alcohol poisoning and just not have to deal with any of this.

[businessorlibation]

"It's not all bad news. You'll see wondrous things here, meet people from worlds you can hardly imagine. You'll make friends. You'll learn about magic, and technology, and stranger things yet. The bad news is, you haven't any choice in the matter."

And he means it, all of that.