TEST DRIVE MEME #1

[sailmods]

1. now it's fun to wake up in a strange chateau

[you wake up.

it doesn't matter where you were before. going to bed? dying? opening the door to face a great evil? same result. you wake up in a soft bed with starched sheets in a cool, darkened room, sunlight peeking out from behind thick curtains. maybe you're alone; maybe you aren't. maybe you immediately notice the folded paper on the bedside table near your head. if you don't, you better fix that real quick: you won't be able to even open the door before you read it.

the note itself is written in a neat hand on white card stock; there is a stylized logo of a ship with the words SERENA ETERNA printed underneath. the note reads as follows:

Dear Passenger(s),

As your cruise director, it is my great honor to welcome you aboard the Serena Eterna, your destination for fun and adventure! We know you could have chosen any cruise line for your vacation, and we're very grateful you chose ours! On behalf of the Captain, I would like to assure each and every passenger that will we do whatever it takes to fulfill all your needs and desires during your journey with us.

At your earliest possible convenience, please attend the mandatory lifeboat drill by the end of the day. I'm sure everyone is very eager to get started on all the fun and sun, but safety always comes first! You can find your life jacket in your cabin's closet; carry it to your assigned muster station on deck one, where I will take you through the drill. If you can't find me in the crowd, just look for the gal with the winning smile!

See You Real Soon!

Sincerely,
Gal Friday

you walk to deck one. you have no other choice: every time you try to step in a direction some unseen being considers "not towards deck one," you find your legs no longer move, staying stock still, frozen. whether compelled quickly by curiosity, or delayed by pure stubbornness, the result is the same, and you are left milling around with other similarly curious or stubborn people.

you see someone in uniform near the front of the crowd. she seems to be a gal, but is missing the winning smile, along with most of her other features. she seems to see you, though, rushing to your side and placing a lei around your neck with great formality. a voice, cheery but artificial, sees to come from nowhere and everywhere.]

Welcome aboard! We're so glad to have you!

[you touch the lei. rooster feathers, lotus seeds, and a carved circle of something white and hard, linked onto a silk string.]

2. messing with my mind was fun at the time

[freshly lei'd, your legs are forced to lead out onto the deck and towards your muster station. the same woman is there, carrying a clipboard. this time, she introduces herself as Gal Friday, the cruise director, before immediately going into the muster drill spiel. it is very boring, and you are not allowed to move, except when you are required to show you know how to put your life vest on. you could try to not do this, but Friday will move to stand in front of you very closely and just. look in your direction until such a time that you decide to do it. and I'm sure your fellow passengers want you to just get on with it, too.

but, once it ends? she reiterates her desire to welcome you aboard. and, then, you're free.

well, free to move about the ship at your own leisure, of course. which is a kind of free, and probably the best one you can hope for. you could try to escape, maybe, if you have the means to; Friday certainly won't be one to stop you. that's what the barrier is for, after all.

but, wouldn't you much rather have fun?

the buffet is full. the pool is open. the casino jingles and chimes.

welcome aboard.]

3. lots of mystery in the history of the devils I knew

[you were never alone.

a few days have passed since you first arrived on the Serena Eterna. perhaps you've made yourself a little routine, and settled in a bit. or maybe you haven't done that at all. either way, you're here, and it looks like somebody is pretty pissed off about it.

it starts small. sometimes nearby plates skid off tables, or a pool chair upends while you're walking next to it. and sometimes that chair is aimed right at your head. objects are moving with quickly increasing frequency, and a wide variety of styles: some are dropped, or pushed, and others and others are tossed, but a few of the items are thrown, with great force and odd accuracy. if Friday is around during the lighter moments, she simply titters and cleans up whatever mess is made. if a pot of soup sails off the buffet line and nearly drenches you in boiling minestrone, she simply walks away.

and then there's the voices. hundreds, maybe thousands, calling out. not all are intelligible English, but you seem to understand them anyway. some sound scared, or angry. some are screams, others whispers. some sound entirely strange, while others are achingly familiar. and they're all saying the same exact thing:

Get Out.]

Comments

[yourotherleft]

[at the very least, Sanji's strength gives him the thought that's the cook all right, since any imposter or weakling wouldn't require him to quickly pull a second to block the spin. Oh, hi Enma, please don't make a ruckus here. He holds for a minute and then pushes outward, intending to chase Sanji into the slightly more open area between tables and buffet. That might also put them closer to the food, oops.]

You haven't lost your touch, at least.

[which really only makes Zoro want to try even harder, going on the offense with a series of slashes - restrained for the space, but still capable of cutting anyone who can't block]

[kishidope]

[Zoro with one sword is no challenge for Sanji and his fine fucking legs. Two swords is trickier, but he's determined to summon all three before this tiff ends, damn the consequences. He's not about to back off now.

Enma's force successfully shoves Sanji backward, exactly where Zoro intends to lead him, but the cook throws in an extra leap to better control his touch down. He lands on the buffet table with all the light, fluid grace of a cat. Not a single dish is disturbed as he races the length of the table and leaps once more, meeting Zoro's slashes with the sole of his boot every time. He diverts even the air pressure behind the swordsman's admittedly restrained blows, sending shockwaves at walls and furniture but never at food. In the back of his mind, he acknowledges that Zoro is probably making this task easier for him, but he sneers at his victory nonetheless before ducking down and swinging for Zoro's ankle next.]

I haven't lost shit! [That affirmation is a little too real, a little too close to what Sanji is actually afraid of to stand alone. So, naturally, he has to add a taunt to it.] So shove that last sword in your shitty muzzle already, and get serious, dammit!

[yourotherleft]

[any restraint is merely to keep anyone who walks in from taking collateral damage, otherwise this is as all-out as he can go without tearing the ship literally in half. So he thinks, anyway. Zoro takes a hop back to evade getting thrown to the ground and fuck it, goes right ahead and grabs Wadou Ichimonji. Your wish is his command, cook.]

Don't tell me what to do!

[even though he still does it anyway. Right, then, time for a straighfoward Rengoku Oni Giri, charging directly at Sanji before he can disrupt Zoro's rhythm again. There might be a table sort of in the way, fortunately there's no food on it so if he cuts through it on his way to the cook, oops?]

[kishidope]

[If Zoro's going to just give him what he wants, then he'll have to respond in kind! A heavy stomp sets his legs ablaze as his opponent bites down around Wadou Ichimonji. His teeth grind around his cigarette. He stays silent. Then, Zoro charges.

Sanji wields his freshly spawned flames in a brilliant arc, kicking the exploding pieces of shattered table into ash before fluidly transitioning into a hand stand. He needs both legs and all the momentum he can achieve to take Zoro's strength head on, so he continues the arc from earlier. His body spins with all the fervor of a fire dancer owning their stage until boot meets blade meets blade meets blade. The abrupt halt is signaled by a cacophony of flying sparks and protesting floor boards, all strained to the limit under the two fighters' stalemated forces.]

You couldn't kill me if you tried. [He asserts firmly but without raising his voice.] And I'm not convinced you truly wanna try. So? Feeling better, or should we take this up to the deck for round two? What do those shitty muscles of yours think?

[yourotherleft]

[excuse you cook how dare you call him out like that. It's true - he can't go as wild as he would on land or an enemy ship, else he would have. It's not like he's suppressing anything, gosh...

He's mad, though, especially when he finds himself seriously blocked and then taunted, and grits his teeth hard on Wadou's hilt]

I was having a perfectly good dinner until you barged in, shit-cook! Whatever, I can kill you anytime I want if you're so keen to die. It doesn't have to be here and now.

[though, he doesn't quite back down fully, just shoving his swords against Sanji's shoes to throw him off and then point with Enma]

You're the one who asked for it. You don't get to change your mind.

[kishidope]

Oi! [He snarls as Zoro throws him off balance, and he's the one forced to take the first step back. Damn swordsman. He is not keen to die, no matter how many times he stupidly dumps himself into the martyr role. Honest!] If I wanted to die, I would have asked Nami-san to bury me in her sweet, angelic embrace! Being escorted to hell by some muscle-bound marimo would be torture! You're insurance, got it, bastard? Nothing but insurance!

[Because Zoro is the only one who would never, ever allow him to harm another member of the crew again. No matter his reasons. He still hasn't explained that bit though. He probably isn't going to.

He plucks the cigarette from his lips, raises it to meet Enma's razer sharp point.]

So there's no reason to change my mind. We can resume this whenever the hell you need to.

[Introducing the most roundabout, offensive way anyone has ever said: "Please help me."]

[yourotherleft]

[Zoro holds for an extremely long moment before lowering Enma and taking the third sword from his mouth. As long as they're mutually agreed to put it on hold, he can do so without looking weak, but he sure isn't taking his one good eye off Sanji for a few more minutes.]

You promised me a good time, so no take-backs.

[insurance for what, though? There's so many unaswered questions here and he might be daring enough to ask them if his overall confusion remains high. Still. Battle on hold for now, swords go away one by one with a little huff of finality.]

Right. Go back to getting me another drink, I was empty last I remember.

[has he even noticed food and drink just coming out of the walls?]

[deviledlegs]

[A good time? That is not what he promised at all. Leave it to the algae to miss everything important! Zoro returns his swords to their sheaths, and Sanji clicks his tongue in frustration. He then slams a full glass down on the buffet table he'd managed to save.

Did he pick that up for Zoro before they even started fighting? The world will never know.]

That's not what I came here for, you moron! But I guess I've got my answer anyway. If you were ready to fight me, that must mean you took down King.

[yourotherleft]

[what, a promise to kill him isn't a good time?

Zoro eyes the glass, a little surprised that he didn't have to repeat his demand more than once, and then picks it up and slowly sips in case it's not actually booze - keeping a daring level of eye contact the whole time. Only when Sanji mentions that name does he drop his gaze and ease the tension in his shoulders slightly]

'Course I did. Motherfucker was tough, but I managed.

[downplaying his near-death experience and haki, as you do. No big deal.]

[deviledlegs]

[NO, IT IS NOT. It's only a good time when Sanji wins.

Sanji would never use food or drink to harm another person. Consider it Zoro's devilish luck that Sanji is indeed still Sanji, and the drink is not only alcoholic but chosen for its full flavor.]

Ha. Well, no surprise there. [No insults this time. Sanji honestly never had a doubt that Zoro would win. But would he survive his victory? That's always the more concerning question.] Then were you still conscious for what happened next? I was a bit [distracted, emotionally compromised, passed out] busy.

[yourotherleft]

[consider things satisfied, as Zoro completely switches gears and flops onto the nearest booth with his drink]

Busy chasing women. [snort] Nah, I just sorta woke up here right after that, so if anything else happened, I dunno. I mean, this could all be a dream and I'll wake up again with Chopper next to me or something.

[deviledlegs]

[He can't argue! Even though, technically, he was busy chasing a mouse for a woman. Same difference.]

Hm, so even marimos engage in wishful thinking from time to time. [He exhales a wispy column of smoke.] It may not have been a pinch, but those swords of yours packed a serious punch. Hate to break it to ya, but this shit's real.

Someone's picked us up and shipped us off during the fray.

[yourotherleft]

[Zoro eyeballs him over his glass. Hmm. Interesting conclusion, although the path to it seems reasonable. Gotta think. And drink.]

Yeah, and how'd they manage that? Were you out cold, too?

[deviledlegs]

[DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT. IT'S SO UNCOOL.]

Not before I finished the job. [He clarifies through clenched teeth.] Then I woke up here, same as you.

[yourotherleft]

So it's anybody's guess how they grabbed us and got us here.

[not that it helps the situation but he's not...wrong? S H R U G]

You saw the weird lady with no face, right? What's up with that?

[deviledlegs]

Don't call her weird! [She's still a lady!] She's just tryin' to be helpful.

She might... be a problem for us though. [His brow furrows as he grimaces, emphasizing the bizarre flip the swirl has undergone.] Never heard of a no-face tribe, and her voice is coming from somewhere else. Someone might've done something to her.

[yourotherleft]

[okay, that reaction is definitely normal. Maybe Zoro can relax his vigilance a smidge]

It's creepy, either way. Once I've had my fill I should have plenty of energy to go looking around. [or use haki, which suddenly reminds him...] D'you sense anything?

[deviledlegs]

[Dammit, Zoro. "Creepy" is worse than "weird"! He ain't handing you anymore alcohol for that.]

Bunch'a freaks just as confused as we are, mostly. [Sanji, that's worse than "weird" too.] Don't see much of anything outside the ship.

[yourotherleft]

Yeah...if we'd just left a port you'd still see the port behind the ship, right?

[curiouser and curiouser. Excuse him while he just. Drinks, for a bit. It doesn't help the thinking but it gives him time to do some.]

Right. Well. Gonna have to start sniffing around, then. See if there's a way to turn around or find land or something.

[and he'll totally get right on that, after he's eaten, drunk, napped, drunk some more...]

[deviledlegs]

No port. No other ships either.

[That acknowledgement leaves him gritting his teeth. No Sunny. No Polar Tang. Nobody is following them.]

On the plus side, a ship as big as this? It's gotta have escape vessels or supply boats attached somewhere. All-you-can-eat buffets don't just magically poof into existence.

[He's going to be so very pissed when he finds out.]

[yourotherleft]

[yeah, about that...Zoro's eye drifts to the buffet, and can't help but notice that there aren't any servers at all in the entire room. He sure as hell didn't pay attention to where his drinks were coming from or why the serving trays were always full when he went back for more, but...surely, there'd be a waiter or two drifting around, wouldn't there?]

No, they don't. We'll have to keep an eye out for crew if we're gonna steal a life boat.

[already 'we,' because like it or not crewmates stick together and that's the only way out.]

At night, maybe. Less of a watch, then.

[deviledlegs]

[It's okay, Zoro. Sanji gets it. Besides, they don't have to directly work together in order to get out together. It's not like Zoro's gonna get lost the second Sanji leaves him on his own, not when he can't even leave the damn ship.







Right?]

We meet at dusk then. By the pool. [There are two pools. There's no way this can end badly.] 'Til then, we scope out what we're up against. You interrogate the male staff. I'll handle the ladies.

[BRB, straightening out his bloody tie.]

[yourotherleft]

[the one thing that can pull a drink away from his lips - a chance to sass]

Like hell! You're gonna get distracted the instant you see one that has eyes and forget all about me out there doing the dirty work.

[although Friday's lack of eyes probably wouldn't stop Sanji anyway. Still. It must be said, and with all fuss and irritation!]

[deviledlegs]

Haaah? [He snarls without missing a beat.] What're you complaining about? Dirty work is perfect for a crude, smelly marimo like you. If I let you loose around the ladies, you'd scare them all away!

[He says like his gross swooning wouldn't be even worse.]

[yourotherleft]

Good, then maybe they'll be safe from the likes of you and your twirly shit, dartboard.

[none of this makes any sense on either side but at least it's familiar and that's better than freaking out in a weird place they can't escape. Zoro goes back to that casual sip he was about to enjoy like he just won the argument]