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TEST DRIVE MEME #1
1. now it's fun to wake up in a strange chateau
[you wake up.
it doesn't matter where you were before. going to bed? dying? opening the door to face a great evil? same result. you wake up in a soft bed with starched sheets in a cool, darkened room, sunlight peeking out from behind thick curtains. maybe you're alone; maybe you aren't. maybe you immediately notice the folded paper on the bedside table near your head. if you don't, you better fix that real quick: you won't be able to even open the door before you read it.
the note itself is written in a neat hand on white card stock; there is a stylized logo of a ship with the words SERENA ETERNA printed underneath. the note reads as follows:
Dear Passenger(s),
As your cruise director, it is my great honor to welcome you aboard the Serena Eterna, your destination for fun and adventure! We know you could have chosen any cruise line for your vacation, and we're very grateful you chose ours! On behalf of the Captain, I would like to assure each and every passenger that will we do whatever it takes to fulfill all your needs and desires during your journey with us.
At your earliest possible convenience, please attend the mandatory lifeboat drill by the end of the day. I'm sure everyone is very eager to get started on all the fun and sun, but safety always comes first! You can find your life jacket in your cabin's closet; carry it to your assigned muster station on deck one, where I will take you through the drill. If you can't find me in the crowd, just look for the gal with the winning smile!
See You Real Soon!
Sincerely,
Gal Friday
you walk to deck one. you have no other choice: every time you try to step in a direction some unseen being considers "not towards deck one," you find your legs no longer move, staying stock still, frozen. whether compelled quickly by curiosity, or delayed by pure stubbornness, the result is the same, and you are left milling around with other similarly curious or stubborn people.
you see someone in uniform near the front of the crowd. she seems to be a gal, but is missing the winning smile, along with most of her other features. she seems to see you, though, rushing to your side and placing a lei around your neck with great formality. a voice, cheery but artificial, sees to come from nowhere and everywhere.]
Welcome aboard! We're so glad to have you!
[you touch the lei. rooster feathers, lotus seeds, and a carved circle of something white and hard, linked onto a silk string.]
2. messing with my mind was fun at the time
[freshly lei'd, your legs are forced to lead out onto the deck and towards your muster station. the same woman is there, carrying a clipboard. this time, she introduces herself as Gal Friday, the cruise director, before immediately going into the muster drill spiel. it is very boring, and you are not allowed to move, except when you are required to show you know how to put your life vest on. you could try to not do this, but Friday will move to stand in front of you very closely and just. look in your direction until such a time that you decide to do it. and I'm sure your fellow passengers want you to just get on with it, too.
but, once it ends? she reiterates her desire to welcome you aboard. and, then, you're free.
well, free to move about the ship at your own leisure, of course. which is a kind of free, and probably the best one you can hope for. you could try to escape, maybe, if you have the means to; Friday certainly won't be one to stop you. that's what the barrier is for, after all.
but, wouldn't you much rather have fun?
the buffet is full. the pool is open. the casino jingles and chimes.
welcome aboard.]
3. lots of mystery in the history of the devils I knew
[you were never alone.
a few days have passed since you first arrived on the Serena Eterna. perhaps you've made yourself a little routine, and settled in a bit. or maybe you haven't done that at all. either way, you're here, and it looks like somebody is pretty pissed off about it.
it starts small. sometimes nearby plates skid off tables, or a pool chair upends while you're walking next to it. and sometimes that chair is aimed right at your head. objects are moving with quickly increasing frequency, and a wide variety of styles: some are dropped, or pushed, and others and others are tossed, but a few of the items are thrown, with great force and odd accuracy. if Friday is around during the lighter moments, she simply titters and cleans up whatever mess is made. if a pot of soup sails off the buffet line and nearly drenches you in boiling minestrone, she simply walks away.
and then there's the voices. hundreds, maybe thousands, calling out. not all are intelligible English, but you seem to understand them anyway. some sound scared, or angry. some are screams, others whispers. some sound entirely strange, while others are achingly familiar. and they're all saying the same exact thing:
Get Out.]
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You'd think they'd be considerate enough to fling a spoon while they're at it. Bloody wankers.
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[Beetlejuice merely took a bite out of the side of the coconut, smiling around the brown fibres.]
Spoons are for losers. That's why they're keeping 'em.
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Y'know they have better offerings at the buffet downstairs. [Or is it upstairs? He's still finding his way around.]
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[Well. More or less. Cursed and haunted cruise ships were at the very least interesting. Lydia would love to hear about it.]
The shrimp's pretty good. And free booze. [He took another bite.]
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What are you, exactly? Other than very hungry of course...
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[He paused in his destruction of his coconut.]
Demon. From the Netherworld.
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Funny that. I'm friends with a few demons meself. [And by 'friends' he most certainly does not mean 'friends'. They would kill him permanently and find a way to keep his soul, subject him to some slowburn eternal torment if they had the chance.]
Name's John Constantine. I feel like I ought to know you.
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...I can't actually say my name. It's probably on my door or somethin'. BJ works though. My first name's Lawrence, but, no one calls me that, because I don't exactly look like a Lawrence, and it reminds me of my ma.
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Can't say I've heard of a demon named Blowjob. Or Lawrence. [Or Lawrence, Son of Lawrence. John would do some research, but. No library here with all his prized ancient tomes.]
What're you doing on board then? Wheeling and dealing a few lost souls?
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[He shrugged.]
Although, you seem like the brainy sort. Y'know that red star in Orion? That's named after me.
[A head tilt this time.]
I have no idea, fella. Stuck here like everyone else. Not sure what ya mean by wheeling and dealing, I'm more of an advocate for the dead. Like...the Lorax thing! Only for ghosts. I mean, sure, I ask for a teeny little favor in return, but, getting the living to say my name, is hardly cruelty.
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An 'advocate for the dead'? Well, what do you think the one that threw that coconut wants? [Other than killing everyone on board with blunt force trauma.]
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[Jazz hands.]
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And do they want to murder everyone or just the handsome faces?
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I'd like to get off this boat in one piece mate. Got places I need to be and all that.
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[He scratched his neck.]
Yeah, as fun as all this is, and it is fun---eternity on the Love Boat doesn't tickle my fancy either. But, the sexy faceless lady says if passengers die, they wake up the next day, so there's that.
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'ow does that work? [Is the ship some kind of purgatory?] You've been talking to her? What else did she say?