TEST DRIVE MEME #8

[sailmods]

1. but times have changed for sailors these days

[you wake up.

it doesn't matter where you were before. going to bed? dying? opening the door to face a great evil? same result. you wake up in a soft bed with starched sheets in a cool, darkened room, sunlight peeking out from behind thick curtains. maybe you're alone; maybe you aren't. maybe you immediately notice the folded paper on the bedside table near your head. if you don't, you better fix that real quick: you won't be able to even open the door before you read it.

the note itself is written in a neat hand on white card stock; there is a stylized logo of a ship with the words SERENA ETERNA printed underneath. the note reads as follows:

Dear Passenger(s),

As your cruise director, it is my great honor to welcome you aboard the Serena Eterna, your destination for fun and adventure! We know you could have chosen any cruise line for your vacation, and we're very grateful you chose ours! On behalf of the Captain, I would like to assure each and every passenger that will we do whatever it takes to fulfill all your needs and desires during your journey with us.

At your earliest possible convenience, please attend the mandatory lifeboat drill by the end of the day. I'm sure everyone is very eager to get started on all the fun and sun, but safety always comes first! You can find your life jacket in your cabin's closet; carry it to your assigned muster station on deck one, where I will take you through the drill. If you can't find me in the crowd, just look for the gal with the winning smile!

See You Real Soon!

Sincerely,
Gal Friday

you walk to deck one. you have no other choice: every time you try to step in a direction some unseen being considers "not towards deck one," you find your legs no longer move, staying stock still, frozen. whether compelled quickly by curiosity, or delayed by pure stubbornness, the result is the same, and you are left milling around with other similarly curious or stubborn people.

you see someone in uniform near the front of the crowd. she seems to be a gal, but is missing the winning smile, along with most of her other features. she seems to see you, though, rushing to your side and placing a lei around your neck with great formality. a voice, cheery but artificial, sees to come from nowhere and everywhere.]

Welcome aboard! I'm so happy you could join us!

[you touch the lei. rooster feathers, lotus seeds, and a carved circle of something white and hard, linked onto a silk string.

after the drill is completed, you are seemingly free to go. or, well, your legs work, now. and maybe that's as good as it's gonna get.]

2. tried to amend my carnivorous habit

[the space inside John's where the piano normally sits is mysteriously vacant today. as a matter of fact, the entire piano bar is silent, without so much as a muzak-inspired interpretation of Uptown Girl to hum along to.

the piano itself seems to have disappeared... for the most part. unlucky, unsuspecting passengers who enter the cabin hallway, step out onto the lower decks, or find themselves in one of the other narrow corridors of the ship, may find themselves suddenly facing down a silent, unmoving grand piano. it takes up too much space to squeeze by comfortably...

and then, the cover lifts, exposing what looks to be... teeth?

yeah. yeah, those are its teeth. and it's coming right for you.]

3. that American creation on which I feed

[it had been a difficult October for bahamanuel, the bahamanal. its territory had changed utterly, becoming alien and strange. new predators were encroaching on its hunting grounds. its position in the natural order is under threat. and so, nature finds a way.

the old timers know to be wary of large piles of clothes, but even they won’t think to look twice at the tiny lumps of garish kids’ swimsuits and sundresses - until they feel something latch onto their leg, and then several more things, and anywhere from ten to twenty balled up clothes piles try to take down their prey.

the young must learn how to hunt, after all.]

Comments

[maximumcake]

His breath catches in his throat and his body freezes in place as she lays out those options as if they are so simple. So obvious. Putting aside the one about struggling against the aspiring god Captain (because he can't even begin to picture what that would look like) the rest seems like... a dream come true. But this isn't a dream. This is some kind of nightmare he's trapped in and it really couldn't all be that simple, could it?

Starting to get light headed. He forces out a shuddering exhale.

"You make that sound so easy."

[maximumcake]

Max mentally flails, thinking he's insulted her for a moment when she pauses eating to consider that. What was he thinking commenting on her habits that way!? This is why Erik never lets him meet people unsupervised.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I was just curious. I'm not judging. I... I have a pretty big calories intake requirement myself. But I won't ask or... not ask anymore about it. I should know better." Please, please, let that have smoothed it over enough. It seems like it's okay...?

Hearing Bash's name brightens his mood a little. "Oh, I met him at the cafe. He was very nice to me." Read: Bash soft dommed him into calming down; it was very effective.

"Are there really no kitchens here at all?" That makes him...less calm. Cooking happens to be his go-to coping mechanism. The whites are beginning to show around his irises. "Not even one?"

[maximumcake]

[He may have the trim and muscular physique of a bodygaurd, but the soft anxiety in his big brown eyes makes him seem more like a playful puppy than a serious guard dog.]

Really? I don't know anything about space and Josiah was always the one in charge of making strategies, but I can proofread. I used to do that for my master all the time." Erik being an ancient vampire had a habit of using the old spelling of words sometimes, so Max would always skim his contracts to make sure they were modernized properly.

"I can try to help do patrols, too. I can be observant."

[midnightroads]

"Max. Good to meet you."

Bash feels the fork in the road here. Oh, it would be so easy to tuck Max under his wing, help fill the void he can only roughly sense the shape of. But that isn't going to be helpful in the long run.

"You think you can relax just a little bit? You're making me nervous, vibrating like you are. I can tell you're missing someone."

[astrogator]

Josiah's a colleague of yours? [It's not odd to her that someone who employs household staff would also have someone dealing with strategy, of one sort or another.]

I'm sure you'd be valuable on patrol. It's really something that people take their own initiative with, but if you do it, and you find anything suspicious, you can always call me in to help deal with it. Any time.

I suppose the other request is more personal. I'm writing something at the moment. It's a surprise, for a friend here. Maybe you could look it over - although I'm not sure what I can do for you in return. What do you need help with?

[Ari Tayrey is learning from her mistakes and not throwing the word contract at new people right away, but that doesn't mean she has abandoned the principle. Any agreement has to be mutually beneficial.]

[crushed_pearls]

"None, sad to say. You might request one from Ms. Friday? I can't promise she'll say yes but the worst that happens is she says no." Erin pauses thoughtfully. "Recently I asked about an audio/visual addition to the library, and when she refused she said cruise ship libraries don't have those. If you can fit the idiom maybe you'll have better odds?"

[redlightgreenlight]

That didn't seem to help him much. If anything it only increased his anxiety. He seems to be somewhere between eagerness and fear, definitely easy pickings.

"Everything sounds easier than it is," she replies, "But your master isn't here, so you need to learn to stand alone."

[not_the_last]

Oh. Oh no.

"You're used to being with ... the lord you mentioned? Are you in his service?"

[maximumcake]

Yes. He's the chief of security for the house I work for. I live and work with my master at his mansion. But, it's just the three of us most of the time.

How can I call you? I'm still trying to work out how these phones we got actually work.

[The iPad had only debuted that very year for him, so touch screens are not unheard of but still a very new kind of technology.]

Oh, that's a really nice surprise. I'd be happy to help. I don't know that I really need anything in return, except, just...

[He looks down bashfully at his own feet.]

Is it weird to ask for a friend? I've been on my own for so long I don't... know.

[maximumcake]

It's the wise move to try and set Max up on his own two feet, because he's already gravitating to Bash like a little lost puppy trying to find a new master.

"Sorry. Yeah, I'll try." He makes a very conscious effort to stop his leg jiggling. It leads to him sitting stiffly upright, almost at attention.

"My... employer." That's the lie he's sticking with. "I'm his live-in butler and I'm worried because I can't find him and I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

[uncodlyawwesome]

Nepeta doesn't know (because Eridan chickened out of telling her), but he is statistically more likely to try and butter the Captain up than fight him. Mostly. Probably.

"I'm not crazy, Nep, I'm not gonna go after the land's denizen wwithout a so much as a flipperin' harpoon gun. Wwhat am I gonna do, spray Faygo in his face?" BLEH. It didn't even work with the lame-ass slaver chick.

[maximumcake]

"I don't know how she manages to say anything at all. She scares me." Ostensibly, he should feel kinship with her as a fellow hospitality worker but... she has no face. How does she have no face?

"Besides, that doesn't seem like it should be true of cruise ships. Shouldn't they at least have something? Blind people can go on cruises too."

[astrogator]

They're archaic, aren't they? Alien for me, too. [She has precisely the opposite problem with the phones. He's already doing better than her; she let hers sit in a drawer for a few weeks because there didn't seem to be any point to it. Now, though, she rummages in her gym bag and pulls one out to show him.]

You tap here, where it says Ship Talk, see? And the numbers are for people's cabins. Mine is 159, so if you look there, you'll see me. Arilanna Tayrey. You can call, or if it's not safe to speak, write a message instead.

[At his request, she smiles brightly, and reaches out to pat him on the arm.] It's not weird. Being alone here makes it so much harder. Maybe there are reasons why we really won't get along but right now I'm not seeing any. No reason why we can't give it a try.

[She looks thoughtful for a moment, and shakes her head.] Did he make you call him that? Master? My family had a lot of household staff when I was growing up, and I've never heard of anything like it.

[maximumcake]

The easiest. In more ways than one.

"But, what if he comes? If I got here he could too, right? He'll be looking for me."

[maximumcake]

"I... yes." Wait, he shouldn't admit that so easily, should he? He should say what he was told to say instead in situations like this. "He's my employer. I work as his live-in butler."

[redlightgreenlight]

"Well, if he comes and doesn't behave himself there may be an issue, but I suppose it is possible he might show up."

It's almost like Max cannot stand to think for himself, he needs someone to tell him what to do. It's both pathetic and sad at the same time.

[crushed_pearls]

"Yeah, we can," Erin agrees readily. "But unless capitalism is doing a lot better on your world than it is on mine, they'd never bother. Why spend the money on such a small portion of your customer base when you're already slashing down to skeleton crews and doing bare minimum maintenance for every red cent?"

Yes she's bitter.

[midnightroads]

Live-in butler, huh? Bash is trying to figure out what that really entails, but in the meantime, he is making a mental note to introduce Max to Giles for obvious reasons, already.

"Right. Well, the first thing to do is to take care of yourself. Even if your employer isn't here, he'd want you to maintain your well-being, right?"

[not_the_last]

She nods, frowning a little in mild confusion. "That last word isn't quite translating. You're his ... steward?"

[businessorlibation]

"Well. The faceless dame would say you're on a vacation and you need to go and enjoy yourself. Rotten advice, that, I've always found. But it's true, there's no one here who needs to be butled for."

[theweakhavepurpose]

"It's a little more complicated than that but yeah, that's the basics. There's like no bacteria or microbes or anything so it doesn't rot or deteriorate. Which is nice so shit like this doesn't get immediately infected." He briefly holds up his right hand holding the fork to show the bandage around his palm and over the joint where his pinky finger used to be.

"You'll get used to it. Which I guess sounds kinda shitty, but it's true." He will let Max Maximum go because he's friends with a guy named Charlemagne so he doesn't get to say shit about people's names. Not to mention his own because his real first name sure as hell isn't 'Deputy'.

"I'm thinking of it as my retirement. Infinite food and I don't have to pay rent or my car payment ever again."

[maximumcake]

Archaic?

[Is she kidding? Oh. No. She actually doesn't seem to be... wow. Is this how Erik feels all the time when new technology is presented to him?]

159. Got it.

[Now that he looks at it, this doesn't seem all that different in main function to his Blackberry. The texting feature looks a lot more advanced, as a matter of fact. He could have fun with that. (RIP everyone when he finds the emojis.)]

I can't see why we wouldn't get along? You'll tell me if I ever annoy you, right?

[Max, meanwhile, would sooner die than ever potentially hurt her feelings so he will never say a word.

Crap. But now she's asking about his relationship to Erik. Most people don't tend to like hearing the way his situation is actually structured.]

Um, yes? Because that's the polite way to refer to the master of the house. [Nailed it.] I could call him Lord Osborne as well, but no one seems to recognize that name here.

[maximumcake]

"Behave himself?" Max bristles. "My master is a gentleman. He's not some monster or beast. He saved my life." By enslaving him. But Max is very good at overlooking that detail.

"He's an Elder and a Lord of his own territory."

[maximumcake]

"I... might have a skewed perspective on it," he admits sheepishly. Capitalism, and luxury in general, that is. "My master is affluent enough to have everything catered to him. He doesn't really like cruises, though, so he's never taken me on one." Trapped on a boat in the middle of the ocean isn't any vampire's idea of fun, or so Erik has said before.

"I'm his personal butler if that tells you anything." Yes. Butler. That's what he's going to call it.

[astrogator]

[Definitely archaic for her, but her Tradeline communicator doesn't work here - how could it, it's the only one of its kind? - so she's learned to get along with them. She'd explain more, but he appears to be figuring it out well enough, so she leaves him to it.]

I mean, we don't know each other. Maybe it'll turn out we don't have any shared values. I hope not, but it's possible. I don't care if people annoy me, but- [she turns very serious for a moment] -I'm the only one here from my culture, and sometimes things don't carry, so if we ever offend one another, or we don't understand, we've got to ask, alright? Fair contract?

[She ponders what he's said about his work, and then nods.] Some sort of aristocrat, then. I've never properly understood those systems. My father was just Director Kittredge, back home. [Ari could never call someone master. It's horribly servile - but she's trying to be understanding.]