TEST DRIVE MEME #7

[sailmods]

1. before she hung up, she said she was a skeleton

[there is no note in your cabin. no forces stall your legs if you decide to walk anywhere but the atrium. in fact, for the first time in hundreds of years, newly arrived passengers on the Serena Eterna are waking up with absolutely no guidance. nothing but your fellow passengers in the halls - or maybe in your bed.

perhaps you end up in the atrium eventually anyway. it is where guest services is, and where Gal Friday… actually hasn’t been in a few days. until today. and she is visibly frazzled, her hair uncoiffed, her suit rumpled, something a bit like a bruise blossoming down from her hairline and over her smooth features. more papers than ever cover her desk, and when she turns to face you, her voice is as cheerful as ever, but audibly strained.]

Welcome aboard the Serene Eterna! [a pause] You know how to work a life vest, right? Everyone knows that! You don’t need me to teach you that!

[a light bulb burns out behind her head.]

… I’ll get right on that!

[freedom includes the freedom to not know what the fuck is happening. maybe you should reflect on that.]

2. grandma went and can't stop screaming

[it’s something about the lighting fixtures, this month. has the Bellona always had a massive chandelier? maybe. who knows. don’t ask questions. either way, in the stillness of the night, or day, or late afternoon, there is a noise like a cord being cut, and the chandelier plunges into the audience below.

it hits nothing, of course. no one is ever in the theater. and that, perhaps, is what the trouble is.

so, the chandelier starts to… travel, one could say. it starts to hang in various rooms: the dining halls, the bars, the clubs… sometimes, if you’re out on the pool deck and suddenly realized you’re under a shadow, you can glance up and see it suspended 20 feet above your head, securely fastened to nothing in particular and yet remaining perfectly in place.

until it isn’t. until it falls, crystal shattering on whatever surface it lands on: floor, table, person… and, wherever the chandelier goes, a lilting childish voice follows it, singing without any obvious source.]

Ring-a-ring of roses, a pocket full of posies… ashes, ashes, we all…

3. jeff bezos murdered the infinite tommy bahama

[the lights of the Infinite Tommy Bahama go out three days into October.

barely an hour after its closure, the lights go on again, and a new banner is unfurled.



physically, it is the same store. you can even see the old signs hidden behind the new ones. however, long gone are the tropical prints and khaki dress shorts. now, one can purchase any number of officially licensed or legally distinct Halloween costumes, decorations, and various other haunted accoutrements, leading back as far as the eye can see, and then farther still. is that a Gal Friday mask? spooky! well, at least you’ll be good and ready for the Halloween party at the end of the month, which is absolutely just a normal party and in no way whatsoever anything even remotely resembling a trick. there are only treats at The Infinite Spirit Halloween!

note: bahamanuel is still here! somewhere! it kinda looks like dan bongino.]

Comments

[notinflictthem]

"You sure? It's a hole lot of fun!"

He spins the trepanning brace a couple of times for comedic emphasis, before laying it back down again.

"Oh just browsing. I'm a doctor- not an underwear model, like I'm sure you're thinking- I like to know what I'm working with. Kinda cramped, isn't it?" he gestures to the infirmary more broadly, "but very well stocked if you ever need to do surgery on Francis I."

[notinflictthem]

"Somewhere in Korea. I'd tell you more but then I'd have to kill you."

Which may very well answer 'when', too. He extends a hand.

"Hawkeye Pierce. You got a better idea than I do of where we are? I always trust a man with ice cream, I think to myself 'that's a man who's got his life handled'."

[notinflictthem]

Blinks. You know what? Sure. This situation can't get any weirder.

"Two of them? Do you need two priests for that, or is the one pulling double-duty?"

Hawkeye pulls up a seat, retrieving the cocktail skewer from his glass to pull one of the olives free with his teeth.

"You been doing it long?"

[notinflictthem]

"Alright- transistors- gotta remember that, transistors... I'm not too good on the insides of anything that doesn't bleed, so you'll probably have to remind me later, buddy. Can you come out of that thing or are you worried you're gonna get stepped on?"

[businessorlibation]

"The ship's captain will be officiating the ceremony." He busies his hands making himself a drink, which ends up pale purple. "And the three of us have been together, a closed triad, for seven months now. Through sickness and health and every torment this voyage has thrown at us."

[serialskiller]

"This is just a drone. If you want to speak face-to-face, I can come meet you there, but this is a remote camera with speaker that I operate."

Beat.

"You're a doctor?"

[lightconductor]

Watson laughs at the pun, but he's not happy about it.

"Fortunately, we haven't had any surgeries yet, but when we do, it will certainly be an experience." Oddly, it's often better if people just die, which sure is a thing he doesn't want to say aloud, particularly to someone so obviously new. "As it happens, I'm also a doctor. Dr. John Watson, at your service."

[notinflictthem]

"I meant the bartending, but hey, good for you three. Love in difficult times is a thing of beauty. Speaking of- that mean the war's in here too?"

Considering Klinger's outfits, the number that Johnny's got on isn't that outlandish.

[notinflictthem]

"That's what they tell me. I'm chief surgeon at a M*A*S*H unit when I'm not here dreaming I'm talking to a little floating doohicky."

He pokes through his little collection of medications.

"It would be nice to speak face to face though- I don't go on blind dates for a reason."

[businessorlibation]

"I'm going to assume you don't mean the Franco-Armorian war, or the Platinum Wars. But regardless of what conflict your world is embroiled in...no, 'the war' is not here."

He sighs. "The nature of the conflict we face is more an internal one. The Captain is an entity who derives power from emotions."

[goodweather]

"Unfortunately. I've been here for something to the tune of... five months." Phil takes the hand with a professional shake, if a little hesitant--he's still getting used to the claws.

Phil is so glad that he's run into a guy who can take a sarcastic barb or two and dishes them back out. He's really not in the mood to expend energy being more polite than comes naturally to him. "We'll walk and talk. You've got a muster drill to go to, don't you, trooper?"

[notinflictthem]

Oh now that's... troubling.

"Okay- hold on, what, like- start from the beginning. The Captain here derives powers from emotions? How? Why?"

[notinflictthem]

"Ah, well, lovely to meet you Doctor-" he extends a hand with a genial smile, "Hawkeye Pierce. Lucky for you, operating in terrible circumstances is my specialty. That the sort of thing I should be expecting? I'd love to just talk shop with another handsome doctor if I can."

[serialskiller]

"Please standby."

It takes a while to traverse the ship. It's a solid six minutes later that a Murderburger in a green dinosaur hoodie blackens the doorway of the infirmary.

[notinflictthem]

"Oy vey- do I? That's what I get for opening strange letters, you'd think I'd've learned the first time," Hawkeye grumbles, tucking his dog tags into his shirt. Not like the khaki pants and boots aren't a give-away, but he can't do much about that.

"Lead on Macduff," he gestures... generally to the hallway, since he doesn't know where he's going.

[notinflictthem]

Looks at that... garment?

...

"Did you lose a bet?"

[businessorlibation]

"He's not human. Nor is this really a cruise ship in the strictest sense of the world. This is a created reality, a space completely designed and controlled by the Captain's whim. He powers the creation with the energy of our emotions. And it is a lot easier to piss a bunch of people off intensely than keep them happy."

Johnny sips his drink. "There's more to the matter than that. In the Library, there's a black binder full of information. Read it when you're ready."

[serialskiller]

"Don't be an asshole; I can be a bigger one." Literally speaking, that is very, very true. Metaphorically...well. It hopes not to find out.

[notinflictthem]

"Not human? Well what is he- a horse?! Hold on-"

Hawkeye holds up a finger and utterly disrespects the drink by downing it in a smooth motion.

"Okay- so you're telling me that we have a Ming the Merciless on this ship sucking our emotions like- like a leech? No, no this? This is ridiculous. I must- I must be having some sort of mental break or-"

[notinflictthem]

"I have a couple of people back at camp who would disagree with you there."

Hawkeye pats the counter beside him.

"Pull up a pew, Iguanadon. Come here often?"

[businessorlibation]

"You're not. We're not. I've been on this ship for the greater part of a year, dealing with everything thrown at me. Don't be so selfish as to think this world is solely your own delusion."

[serialskiller]

"Occasionally. Dr. Watson spent some time training me as a medical assistant."

It moves to loom over Hawkeye, as a Murderbot does.

"The primitive state of medicine on this vessel is a little horrifying."

[goodweather]

Merrily they go along.

"I'm gonna make a guess and say you're rolling in from Earth classic. First rule of thumb." Phil raises a finger. "What you see is what you get. You're not crazy, Hawks, and you're not having a break. These are real." He moves his wings. "This is real." A snowball in the hand, which he dumps into his ice cream bowl. "I'm real. So are you."

He glances over his shoulder. "You don't have to believe me, but I'm laying out the ground for you right now, alright? Chew on it. I'm saying this because you need it, and because you're about to meet a gal who's gonna knock the eyes outta your head."

Haw haw.

shakes hand, what are icons anyway

[qige]

Movement attracts his attention, where Shen Qingqiu doesn't speak. Yue Qingyuan turns, shifting his weight easily so he might be prepared for whomever it is, or whatever it is, arms easy at his sides, lips prepared for the sociable, apologetic smile of a man overwhelmed by the oddity of circumstance.

He isn't prepared for Shen Qingqiu, or the gutpunch when he sees him. Thoughtlessly, he steps forward, gasping, eyes widening, taking in nothing of the oddness of what Shen Qingqiu wears. Taking in everything that shows within that outfit is a man standing on his own legs, and his heart stutters, his chest goes tight.

"Xiao Jiu," he says, and he's crossed the distance between them, his face stricken in a way it's never stricken. He had died, he must have, but if that is one truth, then here is another: if Shen Qingqiu had died as well, then he'd failed again, failed completely, and he already knew that was true.

Yue Qingyuan, who had been unable to bring himself to cry in their begging acts as slaves on the streets in their childhood, doesn't realise there are tears in his eyes now. Doesn't feel the warmth of them, or understand why his vision wavers, or that the thickness in his throat is emotion and physiological response twinned. What he knows is it's his fault, and it's Shen Qingqiu's fault, and it's Luo Binghe's fault, and no chain of faults made any of it better or worse, but Shen Qingqiu stood on his own legs, and Yue Qingyuan enfolds him in his arms with the shock and shudder of a man who doesn't understand what it is to cry, and cries.

"I'm so sorry. I was too late again."

[astrogator]

Ordinary dimensions are the usual four. Three for space and one for time. [Yes, that is an unpleasantly sweaty handshake, but Ari gives no indication of it. Almost having a chandelier drop on you was a good enough excuse for nerves. She'll try to surreptitiously wipe her hand, but not immediately. No need to make him feel self-conscious.

Rational atheist that she is, she takes delivery god for a marketing affectation, but it's one that makes her smile.]

Peace and prosperity to you, Yato. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but we're trapped here.