🍒 : For a large chunk of his life Jade sure didn't really care about it! An early childhood of natural utter disinterest in interpersonal relationships would evolve into just completely kicking that stuff to the bottom of the priority pole during his resurrection obsession years, and so the friends he did acquire in that time mostly just sort of...barnacled onto him, unbothered by the unsettling personality traits that tended to repulse most everyone else. (Young Jade was a freak yall, this kid was all of the emotionally detached genius with none of the masking + genuine character development he's acquired by present-day lol). Jade would readily say he never really experienced loneliness when he was younger, and it'd be honest! Past that, even while finally acknowledging the necessity of interacting well with people in his post-obsession adulthood, and putting more effort into at least trying to act like a normal human being in a professional capacity...Jade's always been well aware that his cutting humor and generally disingenuous personality are acquired tastes for strangers--if his alarming reputation isn't already doing some repelling to begin with lmao. He was also fully accepting and content with this fact, and little inclined to improve those off-putting impressions for the simple sake of endearing himself to others more.
BUT THEN. Canon events Happened, and through having to travel the world with a gaggle of teens (+1 adult bless u Guy) by obligation for well over a year, he was forcibly exposed to the Power of Friendship for quite awhile! And came away...very fond, of those new friends. Unopposed, to the idea of spending time with them. In fact, once the major conflict of the story is over and there's no longer any reason for the party to stick together, everyone separates to attend to matters in their home countries and I feel Jade is rather put out by the idea that they'll never be able to travel together in quite the same way as they did before ever again. (When he thinks about it, anyway. Which he doesn't, obviously, because that's sappy and beside the point and--)
--Not that he had much time to really mull over that before being plopped onto this boat, Sail-wise! But the Friendship Poisoning has persisted all the same since then, and nowadays he's not really at all opposed to the idea of companionships happening, even if he still never really actively seeks it out and would still get kind of surprised if someone informed him they thought of him as a friend outright. Having comfortable interactions with others is, nice? There can be multiple positive benefits to being able to rely on others and have others rely on you, as it turns out? Maybe he really would actually experience a lil loneliness if he found himself entirely on his own for an extended amount of time these days...
🍉 : Definitely winter!! He was born in a village positioned far enough north that it was snowy year-round, and so that sort of environment was certainly a formative factor in his childhood. (And yes, he sure will have some Feelings about the snow resort coming up, to say the least.....) There's also the obligatory parallels to be made about the numb state of his emotional range in a normal day, and the way he can sometimes employ tactics or carry out actions seen as cold and ruthless without much in the way of hesitation, etc etc. Besides all that, winter is naturally his favored season anyway! Even if he never actually seems bothered by hotter temperatures at all...looks at that one volcano saga in canon......
🥭 : Keterburg has...baggage! It probably always will at least a lil, for him, even if by now Jade has made some personal growth in canon that makes thoughts of this place less completely unhappy for him--more bittersweet than anything else, nowadays. As mentioned above, it's where he was born and where he spent his childhood...and it's also where the most horrific mistakes of his life were made. The empty lot where Gelda Nebilim's schoolhouse once stood will always be there, as well as the gravestone memorializing her, and these will always be reminders to contend with every time he visits, even if he's come to better terms with it all.
Even without all the trauma, honestly, Jade likely would have wanted to move out of Keterburg sooner rather than later anyhow in his youth, likely to pursue higher education on the mainland of Malkuth as some form of fonologist; Keterburg's starting to grow and thrive as a sort of snow-tourism spot under Nephry's mayor skills these days, but in his time it was a pretty obscure and remote little town with few resources. Following the trauma that Sure Did Happen, then, Jade def had absolutely no issue with leaving Keterburg behind as a child to attend the Imperial Military Academy in Grand Chokmah (so he could pursue refining fomicry)--to the point of being willing to get himself by adopted by a respected military family to acquire the leverage for this!--and so, for a long while, his returns home were very sparse. Throughout his schooling he refused to ever visit; then, he dropped by once after the end of his draft in the Hod War, and another time a few years later to attend a wedding, both occasions mainly for his sister's sake. The third time would be during canon events by necessity after he was presumed dead in Akzeriuth for a hot minute. Now that he's improved relations both with his own memories and his sister post-canon, subsequent visits would be much...easier. Less off-putting as an idea, and perhaps finally a bit more frequent.
Funnily enough Keterburg in general does claim pride over producing two brilliant and fairly acclaimed minds in Jade and Dist, though: "Dr. Balfour and Dr. Gneiss are honored sons, prodigies produced by our fair city" or something to that effect...! Jade kind of. Wishes they wouldn't put it like that, but oh well...
49. (cw for some mention of vague suicidal ideation here haha oof) Is Jade afraid of dying as a concept? Not really. Though he would still strongly prefer not to, and so would take every measure possible to ensure it doesn't happen...!
But it's a little funny, because the underlying reasoning in this general will to live has actually fluctuated quite a bit over the course of his life. Fundamentally, Jade doesn't want to die anytime soon because he still has things he wants to do--this has always been the case, and it always will be now. But there was a decent window of time, after he gave up on fomicry as a means of resurrecting Nebilim, where a quiet and underlying sort of self-loathing often wondered if he deserved to die anyhow. If the world would have been better off without him existing altogether, even...a feeling that really Very strongly reared its head when some terrible abuses of fomicry came to light over the course of canon. There's a point in Abyss where Jade outright expresses a wish that he could travel back in time and kill himself as a child, before he ever achieved any of his childhood feats of genius that would go on to impact so many lives in such thoroughly horrific ways :(
He doesn't have this wish anymore, though. The self-loathing is still there, and probably always will be...but Jade did come to realize that his existence and his actions did produce some bits of good alongside the bad. He cannot discount this fact, and he also cannot throw away the chance he has now to do more good, while he still lives and breathes currently. Especially when acting otherwise would be an immense disservice to those who died before they ever got a chance to really live, and do the things they wanted to do. The plight of short-lived replicas in general, and especially Luke's death after only seven years of being alive--while making every clear indication of wishing he could continue living--these were observed experiences that Jade has taken thoroughly to heart, and are now a sort of talisman he holds close to his chest against that self-loathing that's never really gone away. He can't atone, but he can still...try to do better, and he has to keep trying for as long as he possibly can. No taking an early out, no shying away from the task at hand. Since he still isn't afraid of dying, he wouldn't necessarily flinch from sacrificing himself for dear friends or a much greater good--but he'd also have to find that there's literally no other option at hand, and he's not above taking long-term risks if it means there's still a chance at survival later.
This is why he's fundamentally against the idea of destroying the captain at the expense of destroying themselves in Sail currently, btw! If he's taking that route he wants a guarantee on a way to do it without killing them all, or at the very least a similar guarantee that every other possible alternative avenue has been completely exhausted beforehand. Some of yall may have a death wish but he's actually actively trying to deny his own and doesn't care for seeing it in others ok...!
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BUT THEN. Canon events Happened, and through having to travel the world with a gaggle of teens (+1 adult bless u Guy) by obligation for well over a year, he was forcibly exposed to the Power of Friendship for quite awhile! And came away...very fond, of those new friends. Unopposed, to the idea of spending time with them. In fact, once the major conflict of the story is over and there's no longer any reason for the party to stick together, everyone separates to attend to matters in their home countries and I feel Jade is rather put out by the idea that they'll never be able to travel together in quite the same way as they did before ever again. (When he thinks about it, anyway. Which he doesn't, obviously, because that's sappy and beside the point and--)
--Not that he had much time to really mull over that before being plopped onto this boat, Sail-wise! But the Friendship Poisoning has persisted all the same since then, and nowadays he's not really at all opposed to the idea of companionships happening, even if he still never really actively seeks it out and would still get kind of surprised if someone informed him they thought of him as a friend outright. Having comfortable interactions with others is, nice? There can be multiple positive benefits to being able to rely on others and have others rely on you, as it turns out? Maybe he really would actually experience a lil loneliness if he found himself entirely on his own for an extended amount of time these days...
🍉 : Definitely winter!! He was born in a village positioned far enough north that it was snowy year-round, and so that sort of environment was certainly a formative factor in his childhood. (And yes, he sure will have some Feelings about the snow resort coming up, to say the least.....) There's also the obligatory parallels to be made about the numb state of his emotional range in a normal day, and the way he can sometimes employ tactics or carry out actions seen as cold and ruthless without much in the way of hesitation, etc etc. Besides all that, winter is naturally his favored season anyway! Even if he never actually seems bothered by hotter temperatures at all...looks at that one volcano saga in canon......
🥭 : Keterburg has...baggage! It probably always will at least a lil, for him, even if by now Jade has made some personal growth in canon that makes thoughts of this place less completely unhappy for him--more bittersweet than anything else, nowadays. As mentioned above, it's where he was born and where he spent his childhood...and it's also where the most horrific mistakes of his life were made. The empty lot where Gelda Nebilim's schoolhouse once stood will always be there, as well as the gravestone memorializing her, and these will always be reminders to contend with every time he visits, even if he's come to better terms with it all.
Even without all the trauma, honestly, Jade likely would have wanted to move out of Keterburg sooner rather than later anyhow in his youth, likely to pursue higher education on the mainland of Malkuth as some form of fonologist; Keterburg's starting to grow and thrive as a sort of snow-tourism spot under Nephry's mayor skills these days, but in his time it was a pretty obscure and remote little town with few resources. Following the trauma that Sure Did Happen, then, Jade def had absolutely no issue with leaving Keterburg behind as a child to attend the Imperial Military Academy in Grand Chokmah (so he could pursue refining fomicry)--to the point of being willing to get himself by adopted by a respected military family to acquire the leverage for this!--and so, for a long while, his returns home were very sparse. Throughout his schooling he refused to ever visit; then, he dropped by once after the end of his draft in the Hod War, and another time a few years later to attend a wedding, both occasions mainly for his sister's sake. The third time would be during canon events by necessity after he was presumed dead in Akzeriuth for a hot minute. Now that he's improved relations both with his own memories and his sister post-canon, subsequent visits would be much...easier. Less off-putting as an idea, and perhaps finally a bit more frequent.
Funnily enough Keterburg in general does claim pride over producing two brilliant and fairly acclaimed minds in Jade and Dist, though: "Dr. Balfour and Dr. Gneiss are honored sons, prodigies produced by our fair city" or something to that effect...! Jade kind of. Wishes they wouldn't put it like that, but oh well...
49. (cw for some mention of vague suicidal ideation here haha oof) Is Jade afraid of dying as a concept? Not really. Though he would still strongly prefer not to, and so would take every measure possible to ensure it doesn't happen...!
But it's a little funny, because the underlying reasoning in this general will to live has actually fluctuated quite a bit over the course of his life. Fundamentally, Jade doesn't want to die anytime soon because he still has things he wants to do--this has always been the case, and it always will be now. But there was a decent window of time, after he gave up on fomicry as a means of resurrecting Nebilim, where a quiet and underlying sort of self-loathing often wondered if he deserved to die anyhow. If the world would have been better off without him existing altogether, even...a feeling that really Very strongly reared its head when some terrible abuses of fomicry came to light over the course of canon. There's a point in Abyss where Jade outright expresses a wish that he could travel back in time and kill himself as a child, before he ever achieved any of his childhood feats of genius that would go on to impact so many lives in such thoroughly horrific ways :(
He doesn't have this wish anymore, though. The self-loathing is still there, and probably always will be...but Jade did come to realize that his existence and his actions did produce some bits of good alongside the bad. He cannot discount this fact, and he also cannot throw away the chance he has now to do more good, while he still lives and breathes currently. Especially when acting otherwise would be an immense disservice to those who died before they ever got a chance to really live, and do the things they wanted to do. The plight of short-lived replicas in general, and especially Luke's death after only seven years of being alive--while making every clear indication of wishing he could continue living--these were observed experiences that Jade has taken thoroughly to heart, and are now a sort of talisman he holds close to his chest against that self-loathing that's never really gone away. He can't atone, but he can still...try to do better, and he has to keep trying for as long as he possibly can. No taking an early out, no shying away from the task at hand. Since he still isn't afraid of dying, he wouldn't necessarily flinch from sacrificing himself for dear friends or a much greater good--but he'd also have to find that there's literally no other option at hand, and he's not above taking long-term risks if it means there's still a chance at survival later.
This is why he's fundamentally against the idea of destroying the captain at the expense of destroying themselves in Sail currently, btw! If he's taking that route he wants a guarantee on a way to do it without killing them all, or at the very least a similar guarantee that every other possible alternative avenue has been completely exhausted beforehand. Some of yall may have a death wish but he's actually actively trying to deny his own and doesn't care for seeing it in others ok...!